gentle view of pond in solitude

I can remember (oh those many years ago) the first time I ever heard of THE INTERNET – a magical place for exploring and communicating. From behind a computer monitor. In the privacy of your own home. ALONE. In your nightgown. At 2am. And I just knew that it was for me.

I’ve mentioned my social anxiety (probably 976 times because to me it feels like my overriding personality characteristic), which we used to just call “shyness” back in the day. I mean, I was shy, very shy, as a young child. Like, hiding-behind-the-living-room-drapes-when-company-came-over shy.

Anyway, over the years, and knowing I just had to get on with it, I managed to, well, not “get over it,” but more to HIDE my shyness. I was a walking talking work-around. To this day I still hear, “You? SHY? But you’re such a people person” (to which I laugh hysterically cuz no).

So I manage to move through life, engaging with other people as needed, but really… I feel so awkward and anxious and afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that it can be hard to say anything at all. It’s exhausting and frustrating.

BUT ON THE INTERNET….I’m so much better. The filters drop away, I can be more spontaneous, not having to second-guess everything I think or say.

And it feels weird how different the two “Bettyes” are.

And it’s not that I’m faking it one place or the other. I’m not “funning up” Internet Bettye for higher ratings. I think of it like this: On a scale of 1-100, 1 being a total hermit, withdrawn from society…and 100 being a Social Butterfly Super-Star, known and beloved by all…Real World Bettye is probably about a 67.5? Ha. I do love a rating system.

Because of my social anxiety and shyness, etc., I am HEAVILY filtered in the things I say and do out in The Real World. Things pop into my mind to say…and are immediately squelched with controlling over-thinking thoughts like “well, THAT’S too stupid/risky/impertinent/annoying/nosy/inappropriate to say out loud in front of people!” So I say nothing. A lot. I say nothing A LOT. Hence, 67.5.

But INTERNET BETTYE?? Filters are at a normal level. Because, from behind the curtain, I can take my time. I don’t have to push words out of my mouth within the fast pace of a conversation. I can take a few beats to think, consider, re-think…before responding.

And that…level of comfort (comfort: the opposite of anxiety) allows me to be more open and to be more ME. My mind works more freely. I feel like smarter things come out of my mouth as Internet Bettye. I’m a little bolder, a little wittier. Definitely more fun. *I* have more fun as Internet Bettye. I give her a solid 91. I’m glad you’re getting to know HER and not that other one 😊

But I’ve felt the best parts of me were living in “Internet Bettye” (do I sound like a psycho talking about myself in the third person, with different names, no less??)…and that was shame. I’m trying to…dull the line between the two and bring some of the fun and spirit I feel within the safety of the internet out into the real world. That would be nice.

Do you ever feel like you’re “different people” based on your environment? Is there a “you” you like better…or that feel more like “real you”?