About Me: INTERNET BETTYE VS REAL WORLD BETTYE
I can remember (oh those many years ago) the first time I ever heard of THE INTERNET – a magical place for exploring and communicating. From behind a computer monitor. In the privacy of your own home. ALONE. In your nightgown. At 2am. And I just knew that it was for me.
I’ve mentioned my social anxiety (probably 976 times because to me it feels like my overriding personality characteristic), which we used to just call “shyness” back in the day. I mean, I was shy, very shy, as a young child. Like, hiding-behind-the-living-room-drapes-when-company-came-over shy.
Anyway, over the years, and knowing I just had to get on with it, I managed to, well, not “get over it,” but more to HIDE my shyness. I was a walking talking work-around. To this day I still hear, “You? SHY? But you’re such a people person” (to which I laugh hysterically cuz no).
So I manage to move through life, engaging with other people as needed, but really… I feel so awkward and anxious and afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing that it can be hard to say anything at all. It’s exhausting and frustrating.
BUT ON THE INTERNET….I’m so much better. The filters drop away, I can be more spontaneous, not having to second-guess everything I think or say.
And it feels weird how different the two “Bettyes” are.
And it’s not that I’m faking it one place or the other. I’m not “funning up” Internet Bettye for higher ratings. I think of it like this: On a scale of 1-100, 1 being a total hermit, withdrawn from society…and 100 being a Social Butterfly Super-Star, known and beloved by all…Real World Bettye is probably about a 67.5? Ha. I do love a rating system.
Because of my social anxiety and shyness, etc., I am HEAVILY filtered in the things I say and do out in The Real World. Things pop into my mind to say…and are immediately squelched with controlling over-thinking thoughts like “well, THAT’S too stupid/risky/impertinent/annoying/nosy/inappropriate to say out loud in front of people!” So I say nothing. A lot. I say nothing A LOT. Hence, 67.5.
But INTERNET BETTYE?? Filters are at a normal level. Because, from behind the curtain, I can take my time. I don’t have to push words out of my mouth within the fast pace of a conversation. I can take a few beats to think, consider, re-think…before responding.
And that…level of comfort (comfort: the opposite of anxiety) allows me to be more open and to be more ME. My mind works more freely. I feel like smarter things come out of my mouth as Internet Bettye. I’m a little bolder, a little wittier. Definitely more fun. *I* have more fun as Internet Bettye. I give her a solid 91. I’m glad you’re getting to know HER and not that other one 😊
But I’ve felt the best parts of me were living in “Internet Bettye” (do I sound like a psycho talking about myself in the third person, with different names, no less??)…and that was shame. I’m trying to…dull the line between the two and bring some of the fun and spirit I feel within the safety of the internet out into the real world. That would be nice.
Do you ever feel like you’re “different people” based on your environment? Is there a “you” you like better…or that feel more like “real you”?
Judi
We must be soul sisters because like you I was always “shy”, and people think I , too, am a people person and extrovert. Really I’m an extroverted introvert who can turn it on,especially for work. In social settings, I gravitate toward men because I can very easily converse about the things some of them are familiar with – history (esp. military), cooking (esp. smoking and BBQ) and the like – because I was my father’s shadow as a kid.
Is it terrible to say that overall, I am loving this semi-quarantine because I don’t have to see many people. When I do, it’s mostly zoom and I’m prepared to deal with them for a set period of time. As fundraisers, we are oddly able to do what is necessary, but in some way I think our quirk makes us better because we’re not looking to schmooze as much as our counterparts.
bettyewp
Like you, I can “turn it on” as needed, but only for a few minutes at a time. I’m good for 3-4 minutes of in-person convo and then I’m like uhh uhhh PLEASE EARTH SWALLOW ME UP NOW.
I have always enjoyed social distancing and quarantine…IMMENSELY…and feel it really helped to reset some things in my head as I feel a little more at ease now taking a phone call or initiating a get-together. I just really REALLY needed that break from people.
Cheryl
I too was painfully shy growing up. I became a teacher because I felt that teaching allowed me to contribute to the lives and education of students. Part of teacher training was drama and movement classes which really helped me to take on the teacher role in practical ways. Now still a reserved quiet person,I’m retired living a long way from the nearest town and loving being able to just be me, and mixing with the people I want to be around.
bettyewp
I always wonder about the physiological makeup of shy vs…not shy people. Shyness seems to show itself so early in life, did something HAPPEN to make us that way or were we just born that way?
Glad to hear you found a lifestyle and home that suits you.
I like being AROUND people without actually being WITH them. This is part of the appeal of city life for me, and why I so loved when I lived in Brooklyn. There was ALWAYS life going on right outside the door, I could hear them, see them…but I was apart from them. People-watching is one of my greatest pastimes. Plunk me down on a comfortable bench in the shade where dozens, if not hundreds, of people are passing by, and I’m in glory. Where I’m living is SO solitary. I hear and see nothing and no one. That’s TOO much for me. Hopefully my next move will be to a location that suits me better.
Judi
Ooohhh…good question, Bettye. Both of my parents were the ones that people could be found gathered around at any event from party to funeral. It wasn’t until I was (much) older that I became aware that my mother had anxiety issues (the Nazis dropping bombs on your city, being evacuated to the seaside with only half of your family, to live with people who were often not very kind or nice might do that to you). My father was the opposite, reveling in being the center of attention in the best ways – he had lots to say. My sister is just like him, but my brother and I are similar, despite us all having the same experience with our upbringing. So…nature, nurture or a bit of both? So interesting.
By the way, all three of us are very assertive, and I have ZERO problem speaking up for myself, letting people know what I need/want/deserve. No “shyness” in that area.
Marian
Makes total sense. I think it’s great that you found a counterbalance where you are comfortable and can be the other you. Maybe we all live 2 halves of ourselves.
I’m a chatty introvert. I had a manager once who asked me why I was so quiet at meetings. I always offered my opinions after the meeting was over. He said I was a slow processor and he sent me to an Improvisation class.
It was nothing like I expected. Our brains have been taught since birth to filter and edit in order to fit into society. We did all these exercises and games to start undoing that and be truly spontaneous. At first it’s hard but it starts to change. The changes are fascinating….dreams…relating to others….reactions. The class as a whole went through a few weeks of potty mouth – we were all horrified the teacher said that’s normal. And then it petered out and our improvised remarks got on topic.
My processing did speed up and I learned that what flew out of my unfiltered mouth was OK. I began (subconsciously) to trust myself. It built a lot of confidence. It was a life changing experience for many of us in the class, especially the “shy” students. It was a fascinating journey. And it was a lot of fun.
bettyewp
A) That’s so funny – that’s exactly how I always describe my…”brain self”? As a “slow processor.” I only came up with that because for much of my adult life I’ve been surrounded by FAST processors, and in comparison I’m like a slug. A dead slug. A dead slug smooshed under a dead tree. There’s a haiku in there somewhere, I just know it.
B) That class sounds AMAZING! And like LIVING HELL! Ha. I think the results sound nothing less than miraculous but getting through those exercises? Oh lordy just kill me now. I will look into that, cuz apparently I LIKE to torture myself.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience!
Marian
They make it easy. The exercises and games are short and simple and very prescriptive. Some are as simple as saying a number or name of an animal. They are called brain fries and they are warmups. My favorite game was the whole group tells a story, 3 words (or 1) at a time. Example:
Shelley found her
Big umbrella and
Took her dog
On a walk
To McDonald’s for
A shake but
We each think what we say is boring or dumb or shows our dark side. (see, my above example was so boring). But everyone feels that way and they create a very safe space.
bettyewp
Ooh! Ooh! I wanna play! I guess I need people, huh??