Week in Review: Weeks 221-222
MONDAY
Memorial Day. It was a quiet day. But these sort of “backyard party” holidays are always quiet for me…and I like it that way.
I piddled, read, shot two outfits, spent too much time hunting down things I never found, spent too much time trying to figure out what’s wrong with this %&R%%$! keyboard, watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, season 10, and went to bed.
I had a sandwich. I like making my own “fancy” mayonnaise. Today, with cajun turkey, I mixed mayo, orange marmalade (typically I would use raspberry for turkey but the raspberry marmalade has disappeared), and sriracha. So it’s a little creamy, a little sweet, and a little spicy.
TUESDAY
Work. Then sweet, sweet release and a trip to the beach with friends. It was a little foggy but nice for sitting til we were too damp and cool. We saw an albino rainbow. The parking lot had orange cones in every other parking spot to not let it fill up more than 50% capacity. It was a foggy, Tuesday afternoon. It was nowhere near even half capacity.
I came home and made spaghetti and meat sauce.
WEDNESDAY
Work from home, then work at work in the afternoon. Then to Sloan Kettering for my annual scan. I feel so removed when I go there now. Like “this has nothing to do with me why am I even here.” This is just Year 3, so I have two years to go before they give the All Clear.
The contrast dye they inject for the scan (that makes you feel like you’re peeing all over yourself while you’re sliding in and out of the machine) makes things taste bad for a couple days. So I came home after, hungry for my spaghetti from last night…and it tasted like bad metal (as opposed to good metal). Bleh.
THURSDAY
A grey day. Drippy. Worked. Never left the building.
Oncologist called about yesterday’s scan. Unnerved me a bit when I saw his name on caller id because I don’t usually get a phone call next day and I didn’t have an appt to meet with him for a month. Scan is good as far as cancer, all clean, bravo and yay. BUT. The large kidney stone I have had for YEARS (remember when I went to ER in November from bad KS pain?) is now partially blocking my left kidney and needs to be addressed. So he is going to send a copy of the scan to the urologist…who will charge me a $50 co-pay to say (again), that THEY can’t help me at their kidney center because my weight is too high for them to do a lithotripsy (laser kidney stone pulverizing procedure requiring twilight anesthesia) because someone of my weight requires so much anesthesia and if there are complications, we’re not in a hospital where there’d be someone to help in an emergency. I can’t go directly to a hospital because hospitals (here, anyway) don’t do them, I need a urologist. So back in November I was referred to a “kidney specialist” who MAY be able to help me…but the 12-year-old I spoke to on the phone at the specialist’s office said the earliest available appointment was in January, but he would check to see if they could move anything around for me and call me back the next day. The End.
I did a 2-hour “Making a Movie on a Cell Phone” zoom class in the evening which I thought was going to be about making a movie on a cell phone. Ehh. It was really about movie pre-production concerns, equipment, planning, etc., etc., but we never actually got to making a movie on a cell phone. And after the “making” there’s the whole issue of editing. So. While it was all very interesting, it really needs a Part 2 that would actually cover making a movie on a cell phone.
FRIDAY
Warm and humid. 8am Zoom call. Finally washed the dishes. OH I’m writing this from my new laptop! I finally bit the bullet since it looks like Work from Home will be continuing for awhile…and now that it’s nice out I figured I could work from the patio sometimes and once coffee shops are open again I can do blog writing outside the house as well. Plus, I’ve wanted a drawing tablet for AGES. So this has that. I’m still getting things set up on it, you know how that goes.
Once the workday was done I LEFT THE BUILDING. I didn’t really have any specific destination, so I just headed west a bit til I found a nice spot to sit and read my book. I got a coffee. I read in my chair in the shade overlooking the water. Not a bad afternoon.
SATURDAY
I sort of did my Sunday routine today of listening to podcasts and looking at news and letting my mind wander. I’m generally not a political person. I’m not an activist or particularly well-versed in current events. But it’s hard not to see and feel what is happening in our country right now. And I feel incredibly sad and…useless, I guess. Guilty that I’m not DOING something, saying something. I’m reading other people’s words online “here’s ways to support,” “here’s what not to do,” “here’s how you’re not helping,” and it’s…overwhelming. And then I feel guilty about feeling overwhelmed. Here in my safe home in my safe community with my safe-colored skin and my safe income and my health and my privilege. I’m aware that I’m not part of the solution…I’m just trying to learn how not to be part of the problem. And feeling overwhelmed and sad and guilty.
I’m going to take a media break for the rest of the day (again, not helping). I’m no Suzy Sunshine. I’m the first one to say the world is not all good. But today I need to get out there and see some good.
SUNDAY
Got out. Met friends.
Instagram:
Real Life:
WHAT I’M READING
![Commonwealth by [Ann Patchett]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/51uyVCMgXiL.jpg)
Commonwealth by Ann Patchett. I was excited to read this book because it came well-recommended and cuz the basic premise sounded sort of like the start of a book I read recently that I really liked – Ask Again, Yes. But. Maybe a younger, sharper mind would have had a better time with it. I had a very hard time keeping all the characters straight. There were so many! Combined families, divorced families, second marriages, kids, kids of kids. I couldn’t really figure out who the story was ABOUT! I’d finish a (very long, they were very long chapters) chapter and think, alright, I think I have it…and then the next chapter would have jumped 10, 15, 20 years ahead and everyone was in totally different situations again and I had to start all over figuring out who was who. By the Very End, I thought, OKAY – I think I know who everyone goes with…and then it was over. And maybe that was part of the story. One of the main characters is at a Christmas Eve party (on December 22) and was bemoaning the fact that she couldn’t keep her new step-father’s many sons and wives and kids straight…and I was like, RIGHT??? So. I guess it was a good STORY, but I didn’t really enjoy READING it. 3.5/5
WHAT I’M WATCHING
Finished Season 10 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. There’s like eight years or something between seasons, so I’m not holding my breath for the next one, but it sure makes me laugh.
AND THE NEXT WEEK…
MONDAY
WHAT IS GOING ON?? I am consumed by the news, the horrible stories, I am so SAD. That sounds so trivial – “sad.” But it is huge and I am not alone in it.
TUESDAY
#BlackOutTuesday. The you-know-what is hitting the FAN. I feel like the whole world is turning on itself and we are not going to make it through to the other side!
Never got dressed, never set foot outside. Can’t get away from the news.
WEDNESDAY
Between work and responding to blog comments, I was literally at this computer from 7:30am til 11:30pm. I didn’t get dressed, I didn’t open the front door to look outside.
THURSDAY
Finally left the building. That was a good thing. Got Chinese food and watched one of those movies that when it’s over you’re like, “what did I just watch”? Was there a point? Was the father abusive? Maybe maybe not. Did the mother molest him? Maybe maybe not. Did the wife die of radiation poisoning from 3-mile Island? Maybe maybe not. Did the prostitute in hair rollers ever get to eat her eggs? What was that weird party? Did the horse die of radiation cancer? Did the friend? Maybe maybe not. I think the only dialogue for the entire 90 minutes was the main character reading his poems out loud. What did I just watch?
FRIDAY
I had the day off today. I took a 4-day weekend. I didn’t do anything special. It was a little drippy all day so I didn’t head out anywhere really. Zoomed with blogger friends. Did a little work (even though I wasn’t working). Got a bacon and tomato sandwich at the deli! THAT was a big deal.
Read more stuff. Trying to find something local – a discussion group, “racism sensitivity training” (?). Still reading What To Do What Not To Do everywhere I go on the internet.
After much deliberation will post normal content this week.
SATURDAY aka the one where i tried to go to a protest
Yes, this silly old white woman thought she was going to Make a Difference by going to a protest. It was just a small local one, but I thought that would be good for a first-timer like myself. I made my Black Lives Matter sign, put on sunscreen, got a bottle of water, and off I went.
Terrified.
Not from an “oh I’m afraid of getting hurt/arrested” perspective, more just my usual anxiety about going to something new by myself. Are there rules? Were we going to be marching or just holding signs up on the side of the road? Did people stay the full three hours or did you rotate in as needed? Was there like a registrar to sign in with and get a name tag? I only knew the time (3-6) and location. So I headed that way thinking I would just go, get the lay of the land, and see how I felt once I got there. A few minutes away the skies opened up and there was a torrential downpour.
IS THAT A SIGN?!
When I got to The Spot, there were probably…200 hundred people standing along the street with signs, chanting. The light turned red and I was stopped right in front of the chat leader/organizer? and I beeped to the rhythm of the BLACK! LIVES! MATTER! (beep beep beepbeep!) chant and pumped my fist in the air outside my window in the rain. I got some applause and the organizer lady fist-in-the-air-ed back at me. It was a pretty exhilarating moment.
Then the light turned green and off I went. I drove around a couple blocks trying to find a spot to park where I could just watch and maybe take some pictures – the sun had burst through and it was a beautiful moment. But…there was really nowhere to park. So I went to McDonalds for a quarter pounder with cheese, thinking I’d go back for the last hour. Surely it would have dwindled down by then and I’d be able to get a good parking spot and join in for the grand finale. I got back there at 5:06…and there was not a single soul left! I don’t know if I had the time wrong or there was another downpour so people left or if the cops got tired of watching them and were like okay, time’s up, go home.
So. I tried in a very half-a**ed way. I had good intentions, but they’re pretty worthless. BUT – now I have a sign – and a better understanding of how it works. And NEXT time I’ll actually DO IT. With them. Not just from my car.
SUNDAY
Made a list of areas I want to get cleaned up in the apartment, by priority based on how much they annoy me. Space #1, the mess of my desk area.
Fun Box.
Ooh ahh, clear floor space.
I tried painting. I couldn’t find my good brushes. There’s a reason “good brushes” are good brushes.
What I’m Reading
Too much. I need to get a direction, a plan. Otherwise, I’m going an inch deep in a hundred different directions, but not getting very far in any one direction.
What I’m Watching
12 Years a Slave. Heart-wrenching true story of free black man in the 1840’s living in Saratoga, NY with his wife and children, an upstanding member of the community. He’s kidnapped, taken to New Orleans, and sold as a slave. It’s not really clear if it was a case of mistaken identity or what, but…he is enslaved for 12 years.
I’m looking forward to starting a fresh week tomorrow.
Karen
Your “Week In Review” posts are the best. Fancy mayo! I just got around to the popcorn with dill ranch Uncle Dan’s dry salad dressing. YUM! Your protest march…. ending not with a bang but a whimper. That made me laugh. And boo to the kidney stone ongoing saga. That made me sad. I often think of Emily in “Our Town”.
Caucasian Lives Matter!
xo karen
bettyewp
Yeah, I’m trying to think of my sorry little protest attempt as more of a “dipping a toe in the water” situation. I’ve only ever seen pictures and video clips from demonstrations/protests, etc, and just had no idea what to expect, big picture. Now I feel better about trying it again AND I learned that the organizers have a buddy system, so if you’re going there alone but want to be buddied-up with another single, so you’re not both walking into a giant group of people by yourself, they’ll match you up. Of course, for ME, being “set-up” with a stranger might be even worse than just going alone?
You know, years ago, my first awareness of “Black Lives Matter” was a sticker with those words lying in a pile of leaves outside Brooklyn Museum. I thought that was interesting and took a picture, as I do. I recall my friend explaining something about it but I didn’t really hear it BECAUSE IT WASN’T ABOUT ME. I actually picked the sticker up and stuck it in my purse. I think I still have it somewhere. Some time passed and I saw the words somewhere again. And this time I thought I was being all accepting and wonderful when I came up with (in my own head) but ALL LIVES MATTER. Because, don’t they? Well, of course, they do. What I didn’t realize THEN and am only just learning NOW, is that “Black Lives Matter” isn’t just a sentence. Like “The sky is blue.” It’s a MOVEMENT. It’s The #BlackLivesMatter (all caps because it’s a title, not a sentence) movement. It’s an actual foundation founded in 2013 in response to the acquittal of Trayvon Martin’s killer. Here is their website https://blacklivesmatter.com/ – I’ve been there a lot in the past week, reading their history and their mission.
And back to why “Black Lives Matter” is not NEGATING that ALL lives matter…it’s that RIGHT NOW, there is an URGENCY for people to hear and understand that black lives are in danger and MATTER. I’m sure we’ve all seen the comic where there’s a house on fire and the fire department is there spraying it with their waterhoses…and the kid from down the street walks up and says “why are you only helping THAT house? Doesn’t my house matter, too?” Of course, it does, but Right Now, Your House Isn’t On Fire. Right now, the house that’s On Fire needs more help, more attention, more support. Right now, the black community is what’s on fire. That simple cartoon is the thing that actually helped me understand the concept. I’m not saying that other causes aren’t also important – they are and there are so many of them! Diluting the BLM message by saying “XXX Matters” is – I’m not sure I’m going to explain this right – but it’s like…generalizing it to ALL people and causes so this one specific message is not heard as loudly right now? I hope that makes sense. I hope I make sense. I’m still learning. Better late than never?
Karen
I hear you on the “Black Lives Matter”. It’s like the 60’s came back to life right now, except that they never really went away. Will Smith said, “it wasn’t that racism was getting better, it’s just that now it’s being filmed”. Good for you for being brave enough to be a part of whatever comes next for you. I’m with you. (Although I don’t yet have my sign made.) I was laughing because it seems that life is a constant surprise – three steps forward, two steps back. And being all ready for three steps forward with a placard and a plan did not prepare you for the two steps back that found you back home with only having put a toe in the water. Nevertheless, a toe in the water was your step. And the next time you go out to put your toe back in the water, you’ll probably be unexpectedly catapulted into some position three giant steps ahead that you were unprepared for. Also, I’d like to say that when we know for sure how valuable our own life is, we can care deeply about offering that gift to somebody else. To really see them and feel their joy and pain. That’s why I love your writing, bc you make your life matter and that makes you a seeing and listening woman. Everything effects everything. Again, that’s why I like what you write and photograph. You’re my hero. xo karen
bettyewp
“It’s like the 60’s came back to life right now, except that they never really went away.” So true.
And yes, life is definitely one step forward, 37 steps back, ha ha. For sure.
xoxo
Pauline starsmore6
Hi I have just been for my scan and had the contrast dye it is a very funny feeling, but I cant say I have ever noticed that food tasted odd afterwards. If this scan is clear and my blood test is good I shall be discharged, so fingers crossed. Loved the pictures.
bettyewp
“If this scan is clear and my blood test is good I shall be discharged, so fingers crossed.” That’s great! Fingers definitely crossed.
Yeah, they always tell me to drink lots of water for the next few days to help flush it out of my system. I never really do, ha ha, so have the metallic taste for awhile. Do you at least have the joy of feeling like you’re peeing on yourself when they first push the dye through the IV? I definitely feel it more some times than others, and have no idea what the difference is, but…the first time no one gave me the heads up and I LITERALLY thought I had peed on the scanning bed. When they came in to help me sit up I said, uhhh…I think I peed. They were very kind and didn’t laugh at me (!) and explained that that was normal. Now that I know to expect it, it’s kind of funny when it happens.
Good luck!!
Pauline starsmore6
Thank you, I was lucky they told me first time it would feel as if I had wet myself, its not really a unpleasant feeling!! Have you had an MRI scan that that takes longer and not so good.
bettyewp
I can’t recall an MRI, specifically, but I’ve had so many different things over the years between cancer and the kidney stones, who knows. What do get an MRI for?
Omaye
I discovered your blog a few days ago and I’m glad I did. You write like it’s a diary; so honest and intentional.
There are many things you wrote that were endearing about your feelings towards the protest and you second guessing it. A lot of people would not admit to that and to be honest, it’s not always black and white in these situations. It’s a learning process. I don’t remember the last time I was on a beach or when I had a turkey sandwich. Love this.
It makes my heart smile.
Wishing you all the best of the month!
xxxx
https://ooomaye.com
bettyewp
Oh yes, The Protest That Wasn’t. THAT’S a little embarrassing. Protesting is maybe not MY best way of supporting but…I’m actually working on a list – there have been SO MANY resources shared online: ways to help, to support, to learn, etc. Last week I was all “I can help! I can do this and this and this and this!” But now I’m thinking it’s probably wise to really consider where my efforts are best spent. Same with donations. I never know if it’s better to give $x to 10 organizations…or the whole $xxx to one? Anyway, trying to figure out how to best support. When I first thought of going to the protest I actually thought of doing it as a photographer, but…I’m not PRESS. I felt like I had no legitimate NEWS forum to share the pictures. But now I’m sort of rethinking that. ANYWAY, yeah, my brain is all over the place and that is NOT constructive. So I’m trying to focus on figuring out a couple things that work with my strengths, that will allow me to really help. And not harm. I feel like the one that SEEMS small but is really HUGE…and the HARDEST…is speaking with people in my life. People who make a comment or a joke – addressing that. That is HARD. But I am.
NO BEACH OR TURKEY SANDWICHES?! WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THAT?! 🙂
Shelbee on the Edge
Bettye, I am so sorry about the kidney stone issue. Ugh. And 12 year olds answering doctor’s phones is so annoying, isn’t it?! Haha. It started striking me as very odd around the time I turned 40 and I realized that so many medical professionals were younger than me! I am loving your red stripey dress for your day out with friends. And I love that you made an attempt to join the protest. Like you said, next time you will have more courage to get out of the car and join!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com