Throwback Thursday: Well, THIS happened
This is a repost from three years ago this month…I’m not sure if this seems like yesterday…or a lifetime ago…but this still seems like the most traumatic part of having cancer to me. I just felt that that was Not My Time, so I was really not concerned about dying. But having to go out in the world every day, not looking like myself…and not liking the way I liked…THAT was difficult for me.
I’m so vain.
From August 2017…
So… I apologize for my diversion from fashion and plus-size life posts, but this is what’s in the forefront of my life, time, head and heart these days. Last week I posted about the anger and heartbreak of starting to lose my hair. This weekend it *really* started to come out fast. In the shower it would just all mat up into a solid bird’s nest around my head. Trying to untangle it just made giant clumps come out. THAT was an emotional day and many tears were shed over the sinkful of hair. So I went ahead and scheduled a head shaving at a salon in my new town.
What was left before I went. Not much in the front, some length still in the back. Sort of a Friar Tuck look. Not really good.
And here we go. Morgan the stylist was so sweet and gentle and patient with my papparazzi 🙂 taking tons of pictures. She started with a #1 blade and finished up with a 0 (zero).
It was WEIRD. It is still WEIRD. But this was the worst part…and it will just get better from here.
Friends came with me for support (thanks, guys!) and brought me scarves and hats and Fireball 🙂
Getting there. I had moments of trembling and sadness, but mostly I was okay. I knew this would be better than the blotchy hair loss of the past few days, with hair coming out in the shower every day and on my pillow every night. I’ve been wearing scarves on my head each day to cover up and I was so afraid of them slipping off and revealing my monstrous looking head.
I *really* hope I don’t also lose my eyebrows (note: I did. That part was really disturbing to me). They’re naturally a little sparse but they’re generally not visible under my bangs, which I usually like hanging in my eyes a little bit. No hiding anything now!
Almost done. Heads are weird.
Afterwards, a rinse and scalp massage while sitting in a lovely massage chair!
Bye-bye, hair. See you again soon. I hear such different accounts of how people’s hair grows back after chemo. Sometimes totally silvery grey, sometimes the color of their youth, sometimes curly, sometimes soft. I guess it will be a surprise.
All done! In my mind I sort of thought I’d end up smooth-headed but it’s actually very stubbly. Apparently, if I want a smooth dome I need to shave with a hand-held razor and shaving cream. Not sure I’m up to that…but the stubble is a little annoying as it catches on scarves and feels weird when I move my head on my pillow. But I’ll give it a few days to see if I adjust. I guess I could go to a barber and have them clean shave me…or the hair might continue falling out. I’ve got three more treatments.
Part of the gang, minus my two photographers. POSH salon in Northport was lovely. They do free head shaving for cancer patients and Morgan was so nice and made it all as pleasant as it could be.
And I decided to walk out into the world with my bare head. I felt like no one knows me there yet so seeing me sans hair would not be a shock, plus I don’t know them either, so who cares what they think.
We crossed the street for ice cream then went to look at the new house and apartment which is less than half a mile from this nice main street. I did try on my hat gift for ice cream.
Thank you to my dear friends for coming with me and hugging me and taking pictures, thank you Morgan and Posh for making a not-so-pleasant event as painless and pleasant as possible.
Three years down, two to go, before I can be officially declared “cancer free.”
xoxo
Marilyn S
You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Thanks for sharing your journey and blessings for a cancer free future and peace of mind.
bettyewp
Thank you so much, Marilyn.
xoxo
Shirley Horst
My husband is continuing on his cancer journey. He had his 9th chemo session on Tuesday this week, 3 more to go before the dr. decides what is next. He is not losing his hair, but his hair is not growing either. Good news this week, the tumor is shrinking and his marker number is coming down!
bettyewp
That sounds like good news, Shirley, and that’s wonderful. Wow, 9 sessions…SO FAR. How frequently does he go for them? They really knocked me out, how’s he feeling?
Hoping for continued good news!
xoxo
Shirley Horst
He goes every two weeks and he has good days and bad days, as I am sure you did. Right after the chemo, he feels good and then the pump comes off a couple days later and he feels miserable for a few days. Then things start to feel pretty good and then right before it is time for his next treatment he feels bad again. He has been amazing through all of this. It has been definitely a challenge. We made 5 emergency room visits before he was diagnosed and I couldn’t go in to the emergency room with him at all because of the coronavirus. I had to wait for phone call to find out what was going on each time. It was a hell I hope to never go through again!
Jaynn
This is so sad and beautiful and why I am crying? I’m not crying; you are! Goodbyes are always sad for me – even if it is goodbye to your hair, even just temporarily. I had seen this post before – when I went back and read your blog history, but it still got me today… this one and any post about your boy Caleb… Your words make me FEEL deepely, and that is a rare talent… Best to you, now and always!
bettyewp
Ha ha, I have a weird fondness for that “I’m not crying, you are” line 🙂
Goodbyes ARE sad. Yes, even just to hair. Hair is such a PART of you. It’s part of your physical identity. It’s easy to SAY “it’s just hair, it’ll grow back,” but that sure doesn’t make those days any easier. I’m three years out and I’m just NOW back to where I was pre-chemo. And now it’s TOO long and in desperate need of some serious shaping, but…I’m not feeling quite ready to go into a salon (#coronavirus) and I don’t want to go back to that same stylist. She was great for the shaving, and then for trims and shaping as the hair was growing back in. Bang trims were free, the salon people were always really nice and welcoming and the price was very low for the first 2 years cuz my hair was so short I only ever really needed a “dusting.” But then that salon stopped doing hair and went to just like eyebrows and eyelashes? Amazing that THAT is an entire business unto itself. It took me awhile to track down Morgan at her new place, which is Very Expensive, much busier, more chi-chi, which is so not my comfort level…and the one time I DID go there, she really went wrong. “Keep the length but bring the layers back up” resulted in SHORT LENGTH (remember The Dutch Boy??) and virtually NO LAYERS. So…I’m not really inclined to go back there and pay a lot of my money if she can’t work with my longer hair. But I have zero recommendations for anyone new, so…I’m in ucky hair limbo. Which, right now while it’s still warm and humid, is not THAT big a deal, I would just be pulling it back every day ANYWAY. But I need to start looking now so in another month I’m ready to go with someone else.
Thanks, Jaynn 🙂
Jaynn
I am a super short sassy hair woman usually – just recently decided to grow it for something different but it’s been so long since I had longer hair, I don’t know what to do! I’d love curls but my hairdresser says blonde or curls, not both – too damaging. I can’t decide if I like your hair better when it is shorter or longer. I liked it shorter when it was growing in – it looks heavy and thick so I just want to braid it and curl it and see you do it in a different style every day! hahahahaha! (I am hahahaing because I get the sense that you would do the same to that sentiment!)
bettyewp
Now that I have truly experienced my hair AT ALL LENGTHS, I will say what I think was the most flattering and basically easy enough for me to style, was last winter…the length was still a little shy of my shoulders, but there were still long layers around my ear-length so I got nice shape and body, and my bangs were still blended in somewhat with the shorter layers. I could just rough blow it out quickly w the dryer, than in like 3 minutes shape and smooth it with my large barrel curling iron. It had shape, it had a little bounce, some independent flippy ends with a mind of their own but that looked cute with the overall style. NOW?? Everything’s too long, there are no layers left, and my bangs are so thin because the bulk of them grew out with the shorter layers around my face. If I bother (which I don’t) blowing it out now, it’s so long it just weighs itself down to a fluffy flatness. The bangs are ridiculous. But this (humid hot summer) is not the time to do anything because all I want NOW is to get it OFF ME. Ponytail, bun, clips, whatever. As it gets cooler – late September/October, then I’ll get it shaped again.
I also actually really liked it like almost 2 years ago (I’m specifically picturing a january 2019 pic – ooh, found it https://fashionschlub.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/01/bettye-rainwater-fashion-schlub-long-island-plus-size-fashion-blogger-1.1.19-3-resized.jpg), when the length was only like just below my ears, and still shaped close to my head, but it was all layered so it did look thick and…cooperative. That might be my “as I get EVEN older” haircut.
I’m not very…talented…when it comes to doing hair. I absolutely CANNOT do those beachy waves that are so popular now. I swear I am doing EXACTLY the same thing they are, but my hair says NOPE. NOT DOING THAT. When it’s considerably longer, I can do a loose braid. I can’t do a french braid but I can on someone else (years of braiding horse’s tails for horse shows!). I have an extremely limited repertoire of what I can do with my hair beyond dry/curling iron or ponytail.
So, how long IS your experimental hair?
jodie filogomo
I’m so glad you shared this…I don’t remember reading it.
It’s amazing how our hair has some much emotion with it.
What I’d love to know is do you think any differently now that it’s grown back?
XOXO
Jodie
bettyewp
I guess you’re “newer” than that 🙂
My hair is EXACTLY the same. Obvi now it’s grey, but it was only brown(ish) before because I colored it. But the texture, the cowlicks, the frizzy propensity, all EXACTLY the same. I was really hoping for a miracle 🙂
Karen
Thank you for posting this. I am “newer” too and did not know you’d been through this torturous time. You’re very brave and honest. It makes me feel like a shallow and petty person to realize how important hair is to me, but there it is. Our hair accompanies us wherever we go and says something without ever vocalizing it. You’ll find somebody who speaks your hair language – I’m in the same search right now as my stylist hung up her scissors with the covid protocol. Stay strong and well, Bettye. xo karen
bettyewp
Its not shallow or petty that your appearance is important to you! its so much a part of your identity.
Melissa
*Hugs* This was tough but you made it! And I’m glad you’re here! 😊
My mom’s hair didn’t have enough time to fully return after treatment. Although, she was happy to experience her first hair trim a few weeks before she passed away from breast cancer.
Hair is important and cancer sucks.
bettyewp
Oh, i’m so sorry, Melissa xoxo
Iris
I remember those days – both yours and mine. We complain about our hair (I still do), but the alternative isn’t ideal. Glad you shared this again.
Grace & Peace,Iris
http://www.IrisOriginalsRamblings.com
bettyewp
I did like the EASE of “no hair,” ha ha. Shower and post-shower time was SO FAST!!!