Monday, June 17

I don’t know if y’all will remember the nice Taiwanese girl and her sister from my first class here. That term she was one of the few students who  spoke English, and she was such a help to me in that class when I NEVER knew what was going on! Anyway, they were only here for six months so returned home to Taiwan back in February. But they’re back here in Seoul for a month, visiting and seeing shows.

So we met up for dinner tonight. I found a burger place in Yongsan (which is a popular and VERY hilly area)…with rooftop seating and fantastic views of the city below. Unfortunately it is Lovebug Season (yes, there is actually a bug called Lovebug) and they were out in DROVES, on tables, plates, purses, EVERYWHERE…busily…well, “loving.” Guh. Apparently this is a real issue this time of year in Korea…who knew?

Anyway, we caught up over buggy burgers. And then went down the million steps we’d gone up (TRULY scary steps…very narrow, no railing, sort of…bumpy like) and walked a few doors down to a little cafe where we had some nice desserts and more conversation. All in all, a nice evening out.

Tuesday, June 18

Tonight I met with LEP#2 who had just returned from a quick weekend trip to Japan. He was SO excited and enthusiastic about the trip, it was fun to see. He and Jun (tutor) (they went together) brought me back a little gift (very thoughtful of them), a Japanese paper fan. So sweet.

He was exhausted from the weekend so we parted ways pretty early.

Wednesday, June 19

Hospital appointment this morning to take a new CT scan..and do the pre-op testing for next week’s procedure. Which is, yes, on. I’ll be admitted on Wednesday, June 26, have the procedure on Thursday, June 27, and be discharged on Saturday, June 29. CT scan shows stone is still there (guh stupid stone). I went for CT scan, blood, urine, x-ray, breathing in a tube. This all took a long time and I was late for class.

Thursday, June 20

Well, THIS was a day. First, I had to go BACK to the hospital to meet with a nephrologist ( dr who diagnoses, treats, and manages acute and chronic kidney problems and diseases, what now??). He SPOKE a little English, so I did not get an interpreter…but he did not UNDERSTAND much English, so my questions went mostly unanswered. Anyway, the stone has been causing a blockage for so long that my left kidney is HUGE. He showed me onscreen my two kidneys side-by-side and they looked like an elephant standing next to a chihuahua. My kidneys are down to 50% function overall. I don’t know if this will improve after the stone is removed.

Also, my cholesterol is Very High. All my life I have never had high cholesterol. My last American physical last spring it was SLIGHTLY elevated, and they just said watch your diet, blah blah blah…but now it is VERY high, and I’m like…I’m eating MUCH better here than I did back home, plus exercising (walking) so much more – what the hell?? He mentioned a prescription to help with it, but then I was sent down to see the urologist and I thought his office would give me the prescription, but then I ended up NOT seeing the urologist and just being sort of whooshed out of the office.

It gets better.

As I was sitting in the urologist’s waiting area…I got a text from Friend I Didn’t Want to Lose – we were FINALLY supposed to meet tonight to talk…but the text was….sorry, nope.

Now that it’s all over I’ll share the story – I’m sorry, it’s going to be long.

You know Hyunggun of Hyunggun Thursday. You have heard me gush about him for six months. Do you also recall my “friend” A. who was here the first term but then had to go back home to California to take care of family matters? Do you remember in February when A. came back for a visit…and it was Jun and Hyunggun’s birthday and I threw a little surprise birthday lunch and it was me, Jun, Hyunggun, A., and my friend Jacqueline from the building. I was excited to introduce my two little friend groups to one another as I liked them all so much (#littledidiknow). They all got along so well, we all met up two more times while A. was still here. Then she went back to the US, and normal life continued. She and I text often, she always asks what Hyunggun and I did that week, I always speak so positively about him…he’s so lovely, he’s a walking green flag, I really like him, etc. She KNEW how much I cared for him.

AND YET. I don’t know who, I suspect it was her (he has shared with me several times that he is not one to reach out to people)…but someone initiated texting. So for three months they’ve been talking without me knowing – I had a couple hints, when they’ve both said things I know I didn’t tell them, and I just thought, oh, they must text once in awhile. Then one night at dinner he handed me a package and said this is from A. she put it in my package to give to you and I was like WHOA WHAT? She’s sending him PACKAGES? To his HOUSE? That was a whole other level to me, but what am I gonna say. And I know, I know, why COULDN’T they text and become friends in their own right?

Well, because she knew how I felt about him. How much I cherished him and his friendship and our weekly outings. He has been a bit of a lifeline for me here when things have been painful, difficult, challenging.  And she knew that. Weekly text conversations with her reiterated that. And you do NOT go behind a friend’s back and start something, ANYTHING, even just a platonic friendship, with someone your friend has feelings for. That’s like Girl Friend Code #1. It’s a big one. Even just FRIENDS, you don’t initiate something with a friend’s friend…without at least talking to them about it first.

So the fact that things were going on and being kept a secret from me DING DING DING my intuition bell was going off.

Jump to about three weeks ago. I get a text from A. “I’m coming to Korea,” I responded with all the when where why what how questions. No response. For five days. Next text: “I’m in Korea.” Again, where when what how etc. No response. NEXT DAY: Hyunggun Thursday. She responds. “I’m in Seoul. I’m STAYING AT HYUNGGUN’S HOUSE RIGHT NOW” WTH?!? Why? What is going on (even though I knew what was going on)??? “WE’RE GOING TO JAPAN TOGETHER THIS WEEKEND.”

I proceeded to TEXT FAST AND FURIOUS – how could you do this, you went behind my back, you know how I feel about him, etc. She claims she kept no secrets from me and did nothing behind my back (?!?) and said “I’m sorry you feel hurt and that you think I kept this from you and even worse that you think I went behind your back.” She DID go behind my back, she DID keep it a secret from me, and that is NO APOLOGY.

If you’re wondering what I’m so bent out of shape about…it’s because in that instant I could see what lay ahead. If they were a COUPLE, she was NEVER going to stand for him continuing to see me each week. I’m upset about the secrecy, I’m WAY more upset that she was going to end my friendship with Hyunggun. And that’s exactly what happened. She and I have never texted again since that day (she is dead to me), but I did try to talk to Hyunggun and say that I didn’t understand REALLY why our friendship had to end.

And that was the text I got from him this morning as I sat in the dr’s waiting room. “I don’t think it’s a good thing for us to meet again…I feel sorry for you, but meeting today won’t change anything.”

Insta-tears. in the waiting room. And then got called up to the desk and instead of getting to speak with the urologist I was just shown a cell phone that said “the surgery is on as scheduled.” I had so many questions…the interpreter offered to come back down to try to answer them but in that moment I just needed to get out of there because I could barely hold back the tears.

It’s just all too much. Betrayed by one “friend.” Dismissed by another. Just…DISMISSED. I’m so hurt. And disappointed. Angry and shocked by her…disappointed, hurt, and sad because of him.

Just the last night we went out together he was all, “we should go on a roadtrip! I’m so glad you’re here with me tonight! You really made my night tonight!” All while KNOWING A. was arriving in just a few days and they were going to be a couple. And now…dismissed like…just like someone he never even knew.

I just cannot with all of this.

There’s more but I just…can’t.

The best thing all day was the stray cat I see walking home from class, loved laying on my book bag.

Oh, PS, I go into the hospital next Wednesday for the procedure on Thursday, and should be discharged Saturday. I have one MILLION questions, the help desk at the hospital answered SOME, but many of their answers just created NEW questions. I’m Very Nervous.

Friday, June 21

I’m just gonna be hiding out for awhile. Going to class. Then staying in my room. One part of my brain is saying, go somewhere, do something this weekend, it will be good for you…but…I just cannot. I don’t want any more challenges, I don’t want to face any people, I just…need to hide out.

We had our first test today. Was I focused? I was not. Still, I think I did well. I’d hope so after taking the class for the fourth time.

Fried chicken delivery.

Saturday, June 22

McDonalds delivery breakfast. Food delivery is going to be the theme of the weekend.

Studied, did tutoring homework, tried to read but I fell asleep.

And noticed that Hyunggun has unfollowed me on Instagram and blocked me from his account. Seriously? It’s not enough we can’t be friends anymore…we can’t even be FRIENDLY?? Like a post now and then? Wow. Why am I feeling like they feel *I* am the bad guy somehow and am being punished???

Sunday, June 23

More of the same from Saturday. Got a hot dog and bingsu delivery late in the afternoon.

Sent a list of questions to the International help desk at the hospital. Uncertainty makes me very anxious. And I know NOTHING about how all this is going to go.

I feel like I know nothing about how ANYTHING is going to go.