As I mentioned a few posts back, I was planning a trip back to the US. My sister has been quite ill for some time. The doctor felt the treatments were no longer working, so they took her off the cancer meds. Her condition went downhill quickly in the first week and it seemed like…this was the time to go see her…before it was too late.

Fortunately, she seems to have sort of leveled-off at that initial decline. It’s not good, but it no longer (at this time) feels like any day could be…you know.

Saturday, March 8

So, I flew from Seoul to Tampa, via San Francisco…and let me tell you, traveling back into the US from a foreign country when you have a layover in the US, is not for the faint of heart. So, in San Franciso, on my 90-minute layover, I had to get off the plane, go through immigration, CLAIM MY LUGGAGE, then RECHECK MY LUGGAGE, then go back through security and get to get my gate.

Some people are born with angels on their shoulders. Some people were born in The Year of the Rat. Some people were born in the age of Aquarius. I was born under the sign of “Always Boards at the Furthest Gate.”

I had anxiety about this situation for three days leading up to the flight. I’d only found out about it by a fluke when I was looking into something else. So until I got to my boarding gate (aka the FURTHEST gate), I was ANKSH. US. I got there with a whopping 15 minutes to spare, which is WAY too close for my comfort. But I made it.

Oh, in the middle of all the stuff I had to do in San Francisco, I had a “yep, I’m back in the US” moment…and not in a good way. As I was headed to check my luggage back in, I stopped to ask a security guy if I was headed the right way, but just at that moment he started GRILLING a well-dressed, middle-aged Korean woman…and I KNOW they ask the questions about having anything to declare, but he was speaking to her in SUCH a rude, mocking way. She didn’t seem to know much english, so was a little slow in answering him, which seemed to push his buttons even more. He was all “you sure you don’t have any’a that SOON-Day…or KIM chee??” in SUCH a mocking tone. Ucch. So I stood there the whole time thinking…maybe he’ll tone it down a bit if there’s a (hate to say it but) white woman standing there watching him. He didn’t. I was SO bothered by his treatment of her. Anyway, I stayed til he was done, then he turned to me, and in a more normal voice asked if I had anything to declare…and when I said no, I just wanted to ask directions, he did not continue to ask ME about what was in my suitcase. Uch. So angry about that! I caught up with her at the luggage drop-off and asked her “quenchanayo?” (are you alright?) and she just said “neh” (yes), and off we want. I WANTED to apologize for HIS crappy behavior. Ugh.

Then, later on at the Savannah airport, I bought a tiny, child’s size cup of ice cream. $5.28. Sheesh. I pay w my card at the little self-check-out terminal thing. I ask for a napkin and ice cream girl goes “there’s one more screen to respond to.” It was the HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO TIP screen. I’d forgotten all about TIPPING. And on ICE CREAM?? It was like a Baskin Robbins (but not Baskin Robbins). Do you TIP at Baskin Robbins? How many more times do you think I’ll say Baskin Robbins?? Anyway, I hate the whole tipping concept. Business owners, just pay your employees a decent wage! There’s No Tipping in Korea…OR Japan. For anything.

Overall, the flights were fine. I’d paid the little extra to select my seats and got window on the long flight and aisle on the short (relatively) flight. And had some crazy magic luck on both flights that the middle seats were unreserved. Nice. But still, it’s a long day – 17 hours of traveling. I left at 12pm on Saturday, traveled 17 hours, and through the magic of time zones, arrived in Florida at 4pm on Saturday.

I had rented a car to drive up to my sister’s in South Carolina…but I had managed to reserve it for the NEXT day and couldn’t switch it same day (cuz I was picking up in one location/state and dropping off in another location/state), so Katie came and got me, I stayed with her overnight, then she took me back to the airport the next morning to get a rental car.

Sunday, March 9

Now, I haven’t driven in 18 months…and when I *did* last drive back in New York, I tried to avoid night driving when possible cuz my cataracts/vision had gotten so bad. And I could tell it’s gotten worse since I’ve been here cuz it’s gotten harder to read and I really struggle to see outside after dark. But when I got in that rental car and tried to get out on the highway…HOLY SH*T. I was like WHOA, I really cannot see well. I can’t read the signs, I can’t read the dashboard, I can’t read the gps display. Anxiety zero to 100 in seconds.

I missed my first two exits so went WAYYYY out of my way to get back on track…and once I was on a 3-lane highway that I knew I’d be on for like 60 miles, I was able to relax  A LITTLE BIT. And for some reason I covered my right eye, so was just looking at the road with my left eye and I was like, okay, very blurry, but I can see cars in front of me and red lights. I covered my left eye. WHOA. Black. A black opaque circle in front of 2/3 of my eye’s vision. What is THAT?!

I was Very Relieved to get to the end of the 5.5 hour drive and return the car, promising myself I would not get behind the wheel of a car again til I got my eyes fixed…which I had been planning on doing (cataract surgery) when I got back from the trip anyway.

I made it to my sister’s house in South Carolina, and my niece and cousin were also there…and Katie was to drive up to join us on Tuesday.

Fortunately I’d facetimed with my niece and sister just the previous week so I knew what to expect when I saw her. But yeah, still a shock.

Plus…I just don’t know WHY. Why a lovely person like my sister (she is LITERALLY Snow White standing in the meadow with bluebirds landing on her outstretched hand), who lived a pretty healthy life…ate MUCH better than I ever have, walked a TON more than I ever have, never smoked or drank…why she has had medical issue after medical issue for like the past 10 years: water on the brain, hip replacement, mild dementia, thyroid cancer, then uterine cancer, now tumors on her lung and liver. She’s only 78. 14 years older than me. It makes No Sense.

Monday, March 10

We took my sister’s car in to get new tires…and since it was going to be awhile, one of the garage guys drove us into town and we looked through shops and got ice cream (sans tip) and had coffee. My sister sleeps most of the day and my brother-in-law likes a little break from people (my niece has been there off and on for about a month), so it was a good outing for my niece, too.

My brother-in-law recently had cataract surgery and was telling me how life-changing it has been and I was like yay yippee I can’t wait. He asked about my vision. I told him about my cataracts…and then about the recent development of the black circle.

He said that sounded like a detached retina. So I took to Dr. Google who was like YES! That is a detached retina! Go to the emergency room immediately or you will go blind!

I know Dr. Google can be a tad dramatic but I was back in anxiety land with this news. Cuz a) I have no health insurance in the US…and my Korean insurance only covers me in Korea. Plus, b) the surgery and after-care seem a little intense and last several weeks AND you’re not supposed to fly for 3 months after retina reattachment surgery.

I spent that night googling “how bad is it to be blind in one eye” and other related searches.

Tuesday, March 11

Also during the night I was trying to locate some temporary health insurance for while I was in the US. I HAD thought of it before I left Korea, but it would sort of flash into my brain and then I’d go “Oh! I can’t forget to pack the whoziwhatsit,” and the flash would dim. And now I was in the US, insurance-less.

I’ve never claimed to be good at adulting, but this might be an all-time low.

And you know how when you reach out to one insurance company, then dozens, like cockroaches, start emailing and texting and calling you to pitch their plan. But I was only hearing from places about Medicare, which I’m not eligible for yet, but that didn’t stop them. So I spent a lot of Tuesday just fielding these reach-outs, and speaking with a few who seemed like they could maybe be helpful.

They were not.

But I now know that I can start applying for Medicare 3 months before my 65th birthday (in September) and it will go into effect on the first day of September (if it still exists by then).

I had to calm myself down and just…take the chance that I would not wake up the next morning blind…cuz I really didn’t have any other option than to wait til I got back to Korea to see a retina surgeon.

Katie arrived around 2pm and that was good. We all watched Seinfeld reruns with my sister, chatting occasionally. She still responds to questions, with one word or a wave of the hand…but she doesn’t initiate conversation. I think it’s just too exhausting.

Hospice and private nurses come in several times a day to wash her and change the bed and take her vitals. They’re all lovely, patient, gentle souls. It’s nice that my brother-in-law is finally getting some help, he’s been doing it alone for the past two years.

I’m so grateful to him for letting her remain at home…home is her favorite place. We both got the “we just want to stay home in bed in our nightgowns” gene from my mother. She wouldn’t have been as comfortable at a facility. And a lot of people would have sent her to a nursing home.

That evening my niece took us to a place where thousands of birds (like cranes or egrets) come to every day at dusk. It was pretty cool. But also very buggy, so we didn’t stay that long. We got take-out food and made a picnic on the bed in my sister’s room and chatted while we ate…til she dozed off for the night.

Wednesday, March 12

I was grateful for waking up still not blind. This is, legit, the first thought I have each morning now, before I open my eyes.

We had planned to head out early in the afternoon – my cousin to the airport, Katie and I to make the drive back to Florida, but my sister didn’t want anyone to come into the room…and without getting to say goodbye, none of us wanted to leave. So it was just sort of a long day, waiting to be allowed in. My niece had told her the day before that we were leaving, so we all sort of wondered if she was keeping us out cuz she knew if we went in we were saying our goodbyes. We don’t really know if she understands the gravity of the situation. No one has SAID it to her…and she hasn’t asked, and with the dementia it’s hard to know how much she’s following. But to me…when I was saying goodbye, trying not to cry and upset her…telling her I’d be back in September to visit her (that’s another story)…I feel like she KNEW.

That was hard. I just…I don’t know if I’ll see her again.

Thursday, March 13

Back in Florida. Ran some errands today between Katie’s work meetings. I renewed my international driving permit. It expires after a year and I’d read that you have to renew it in your home country. But the AAA woman told me that if I needed to renew it again, I could fill out the paperwork online, send it to Katie, and she could bring it in for processing, then mail me the new permit.

I do have a couple places I want to go while I’m here, that seem very bothersome to get to by public transportation, so maybe I could rent a car a couple weekends and go do the far-away things.

Friday, March 14

We managed to get ourselves up BEFORE the crack of dawn and drove to the beach with the dogs for the sunrise.

We were probably back by 9…and my stomach was bothering me and I was exhausted…so I spent the day going back and forth between the bathroom and Katie’s bed while she worked in the living room. I didn’t really nap, it just felt so good to lay still with my eyes closed. That’s one of my favorite activities.

Saturday, March 15

Departure Day. I emptied out my big suitcase of stuff I was leaving behind, packed myself up nice and neat then waited to leave for the airport around 2pm. Katie had plans to go to a music festival with friends, so I ubered to the airport, got to my gate early…and waited…and waited…all the flights around me were being delayed and canceled due to one thing or another: the extreme weather across the center of the US; arrival runways closed due to construction, so planes couldn’t even take off for there; something about air traffic controllers…and eventually, my flight being delayed several times due to technical issues. Delayed to the point I could not make my connecting flight in San Francisco…and they only have one flight a day to Seoul. They would have put me up in a hotel in SF, but I was like…I’ll have to check out around 11am…my flight’s not til 7pm…that not-knowing-what-I was-going-to-do-all-day anxiety was too much for me, and I just rebooked for the same flight the following day, and ubered back to Katie’s.

Sunday, March 16

Had a nice breakfast with Katie, who was leaving for Day 2 of the music festival…I was already packed, in fact, my bags had already been checked-in for last night’s flight. I’d tried to get them off, to no avail, so it was just one more thing to worry about.

I just watched The Office reruns all afternoon waiting for my uber to get me at 3…but well before that I got the notification that my flight was delayed again, as the previous day’s bad weather was now headed towards Florida. So, again, I rebooked for the same flight the following day, and just lay on the sofa all evening watching The Office.

I couldn’t even study with all my waiting around time cuz my books were packed in my checked luggage that was who knows where at this point.

Monday, March 17

Groundhog Day. Lather Rinse Repeat. Breakfast with Katie, watched The Office while Katie worked…she took me to the airport and I finally got on my flight. Had window seats both times, and on the long flight had no one in the middle seat. I will say the American flight when I first came here, had MUCH better food than this United flight.

But stupid San Francisco Airport AGAIN …it was LITERALLY 1.2 miles from my arrival gate to my departure gate…and even without all the immigration, luggage in/out, security stuff, I still just barely made it to my departure gate on time. Yeesh.

The flights were fine. I only doze on and off on flights, I never sleep more than an hour at a time. So by the time I arrived back in Seoul (at 4:40am) I was POOPED. Got an Uber, got home and immediately into bed. I’d INTENDED to go to class that day, but…when my alarm went off for me to get up and get ready, I was just…too tired, and I stayed in bed napping all day.

Oh, sort of a funny story…I think I mentioned in my last post that my toilet was clogged the night before I was leaving. It was late, I didn’t want to call the landlady at 11pm cuz she probably would have called for a plumber right then…and I was tired and had to get up early and wanted to go to sleep…so I just HELD IT TIL I WAS AT THE AIRPORT THE NEXT MORNING, and during the day texted her to ask her to look at the toilet while I was away. Then I forgot all about it. When I got home, I continued forgetting about it til I flushed and…still backing up. Oh no! So I got redressed and went downstairs to tell her, the two sisters came up immediately, power plunger and snake in hand, and went to work. I was occupying myself with unpacking while they were in my bathroom. I heard the plunger stop and I looked up and she’s standing there with a plastic fork in her hand. A plastic fork! When I rinse off/out plastic food containers, I let them drain/dry on the toilet tank before I put them in the recycling bin. The fork must have dived in, unnoticed…I’m shocked that it would even go down with the flush! Anyway, fork was out, problem was solved.

A cautionary tale, don’t put your utensils in the toilet, they WILL go down the drain and clog things up.

So I’m back “home,” I had made an appt to see a retina surgeon at the hospital (remember, I’m half blind in one eye), but then they messaged me to say I needed a referral from a opthalmology clinic outside the hospital before I could have an appointment INSIDE the hospital, if I wanted it covered by insurance (which I do). So after quite a bit of searching to find a clinic that could see me in under a month (!!!), I found a clinic that took walk-ins, so I planned to get up early the next morning and get there right as it opened.

PS – unlike the time zone magic I had on the way to the US, on the way back, I left Monday pm…and arrived in Seoul, Wednesday am. So Thursday (tomorrow) is eye clinic day. Fingers crossed.