Yes, there’s a “normal” Week in Review in my drafts…but I’ll get to that another time. I couldn’t address this particular “week in review” without addressing the disturbing issues that have been publicized in the past week…and the ones that have been unpublicized for hundreds of years.

DISCLAIMER:  I am not normally political or controversial or even all that “social justice aware,” and I know there are people who may not want to hear things like this. And this is the part where I’m supposed (?) to say “if you don’t want to hear these things, maybe now is the time to click onto something else.” But I’m not going to say that. In the past, that’s exactly what *I* did. And by not listening to “these things” I never learned. So, especially if you feel you don’t want to “hear things like this,” I’m going to ask you to please stay. Read. Be open to someone else’s story. Challenge yourself to learn.

I’m not going to tell anyone what to do. I’m just sharing my story. Yes, I’m making this about ME – so maybe others can learn from my mistakes, from my missteps, so maybe you will learn along with me.

And I’ll say it right now – I’m probably going to say the wrong things-please correct me.  I’m going to leave things out-please bring them to my attention. 

The truth is, I have had my eyes closed. All my life. I could say (and probably definitely have in the past) “but this is how I was raised.” I saw this quote on Instagram from Eliezer Yudkowsky:

You are personally responsible for becoming more ethical than the society you grew up in.

I can’t blame my parents or teachers or friends or society for my eyes being closed. It’s on ME for never having really paid attention. It’s on ME for not looking past the textbooks. Okay, as a kid I didn’t know to question things. But I haven’t been a kid in a long time and I should be questioning everything.

I do not have a big voice in the world…or on social media. But even with my small voice, it’s a struggle at a time like this to know what the right thing is to do or say. And “guidance” is confusing: “Be quiet so black voices can be heard.” “This is not the time to be quiet – speak up, speak out, take action!” It’s hard to know what to do! But “nothing” seems worse than “something.” Because doing nothing, saying nothing, asking nothing…is what got us where we are today.

And where are we? We are in a world that continues to tolerate racial inequality. I have not paid attention. Yep, I considered myself one of the “good white people,” not outwardly discriminating or treating people of color as “less.” I didn’t feel like part of the problem. But I AM part of the problem because I’m NOT PART OF THE SOLUTION. And THAT realization about myself hit me like a ton of bricks this week.

Seeing the horrible news stories over the past few months…

Breonna Taylor

Ahmaud Arbery

George Floyd

Dion Johnson

And not a death, thankfully, but a disturbing story that could easily have gone as wrong as any of the stories above: Chris Cooper

…and realizing that for all the stories we do hear about, mainly because we’re all carrying around miniature video cameras in our pockets these days, there are many others that we don’t. Will Smith said, “Racism isn’t getting worse, it’s getting filmed.” It’s always existed. We just didn’t always see it. 

And yet for so long, all my life, I’ve thought “oh, that’s a horrible story,” but then…went on about my day. I own that. I feel deep remorse and guilt for that. But it all feels different at this time. It probably shouldn’t, but…it does. Maybe it’s black deaths + protests + coronavirus deaths + quarantine + uncertainty + political division + everything else that is stressful in normal everyday life – maybe it’s all these things crashing down on us, one after another after another with no time to even catch your breath in-between…all these things have created The Perfect Storm. A soul-crushing perfect storm.

But I feel like Right Now…maybe…the environment could be ripe for change. Maybe I’M ready to change. Maybe white people are ready to change. With all the darkness out there…I’m seeing some glimmers of hope. Of police officers taking a knee in front of protesters. Of white people stepping in-between police offers and protestors. Little sparkly glimmers.

I can’t change my past. I can’t change the past. But I can do better going forward. So I am taking in everything I can right now: news stories, podcasts, YouTube videos and documentaries on Netflix, I’m following new people on social media with messages that I Need To Hear. I’m not sleeping. I’m exhausted by it all. It’s so much to take in…and that’s why it’s been easy before for me to just…not. It’s a lot to hear and understand and…accept about myself. But I can’t just keep saying “oh that’s too hard,” or “I’m too tired.” I have to do it. I have to make a personal commitment to learn more about the history of black people (and yes, all people of color…but right now at this time I’m talking about black people). I have to make a personal commitment to be more inclusive of black people. To stand up for racial equality. To be part of the solution.

I’m not sharing all this for a shiny gold star or a pat on the back or “credit.” But if I don’t share what I’M doing, I can’t be modeling for someone else. And I am hoping to be a role model…even if only for one person.

Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. for, indeed, that’s all who ever have. ~ mARGARET MEAD

So. There are TONS of resources out there if you want to learn: how to be an ally to people of color, how to speak to your children about racism so the next generation can be better than those of the past, how to help change the world.  There are black content creators to follow and learn from and to diversify your feeds – not to say “look how wonderful I am, I follow so many black people!” but so their skin color can be normalized.  So you can learn about people who look different than you, that come from different backgrounds, that have experienced things that you have not. There are black businesses to support. Black organizations to donate to. I know, it’s a lot. I can’t do it all. But that doesn’t mean I can’t do something.

Tonight I’m “going to” a webinar about talking to children about racism. I’m not going so I can learn how to talk to children about racism. I’m going because I figure if it’s about breaking things down so children can understand…then maybe I can understand it, too. I have to start somewhere. This organization EmbraceRace.org has free webinars and articles.

I’ve donated to The Minnesota Freedom Fund and The Official George Floyd Memorial Fund and EmbraceRace.org. There are many other worthy organizations out there like Black Lives Matter, The NAACP’s Legal Defense & Educational Fund, Community Bail Funds. And so many more. If you can’t donate, you can visit the websites and read about the work they do, read about the needs they support.

I have followed new accounts on Instagram over the past few days. There has always been a lot of black plus-size accounts on my feed, but now I am also following black educators and artists and entrepreneurs and people who are inspiring and passionate:

@fabglance: a digital strategist and beautiful plus-size woman of color; @iamrachelricketts: racial justice educator; @moemotivate: anti-racism educator with a podcast “Shine Brighter Together;” @theconsciouskid: a nonprofit organization focused on parenting and education through a race lens; @karenbritchick, a style blogger; @ruthieridley: fashion blogger with some very powerful things to say in her stories this week; and @rachelcargle, a public academic, writer, lecturer, and activist. I could go on. If you want to know who else I’m following, ask. Also, some white IG accounts that I have followed for some time who are really standing up right now with good timely messages and recommendations: @karlareed, @whatkatiefinds, @bleubird, @maddygutierrez.

I just ordered Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race by Renni Eddo-Lodge and White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin J. DiAngelo.

Last night I watched “13th,” a documentary on Netflix that covered the history of black enslavement and criminalization in America from the 1600s to the present. It was eye-opening. I was watching someone on Instagram Stories last night and she was like “HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW ALL THIS?” I don’t know how to answer that question. But I didn’t know all this.

In school, I learned slavery was abolished in 1865 with the 13th Amendment and the Civil Rights Act was passed into law in 1964 and then we were all good. I didn’t look any further than that. That’s what I was taught. That’s probably what we were all taught. My mistake was never giving it another thought. I see that now.

What’s that saying, “when you know better you can do better“? Well, it’s time for me to know and do better. And again, I’m not saying “I did this” or “I did that” for “good white person” credits. I just didn’t want to throw up a list of stuff and say “here’s stuff for you to do/read/learn/donate to,” I want you to know I’m “walking the walk” too. Maybe we can walk together.

Am I making ANY sense? Am I just rambling? My head has felt like One Big Ramble all week. There’s been SO MUCH input – hard things to see, so much to learn, so many realizations. I’m not “woke,” as the young people say – ha ha. But I can (and will) do better.

James from @bleubird shared this list of 75 things white people can do for social justice.

Rachel Cargle has a new 16-minute YouTube video: Public Address On Revolution: Revolution Now – I haven’t watched it yet but it has been highly recommended and I will watch it.

Okay. I’m going to stop here. The “talking to children about racism” webinar is about to start and I want a front-row seat. I hope…I hope someone made it all the way to the end! I hope someone will want to walk with me. I hope someone will read or learn or do any of the things I wrote about. I hope someone will just think about this.

Little shimmery glimmers of hope.