Last week of 2020 and still trying to get myself back in line.

Was I ever really “in line”? Ha ha.

MONDAY

I’m off work all this week – Thank Goodness. My brain is not good for anything right now. I was checking my steps from Saturday in the city and noticed my sleep tracker…that said I was averaging 2.51 hours of sleep/night for the past week. Yup. That sounds about right.

Amazingly I’m functioning pretty well. For many years I really suffered from insomnia and probably averaged 3-4 hours of sleep a night for…like 5 or 6 years. That time was much worse because I was desperate to sleep…and could neither fall asleep nor stay asleep. So it was that very frustrating “awake from 1:30am-6am” thing, knowing your alarm is going to go off at 6:30 and then you have to participate in the world while exhausted.

At the time it started I was living in Bushwick and was having some breathing issues (it was a very old building with a dirt floor basement where the washer/dryer lived) and one night was so bad I couldn’t even lay down because I couldn’t catch a breath. I went first thing in the morning (on a Sunday) to a local walk-in doctor and he gave me two different kinds of inhalers (that were very helpful) then asked me if I had any other issues. I told him about the sleeplessness and he prescribed me Ambien, which was MAGICAL. I do love a good pharmaceutical.

Then I was sleeping ten hours a night. Deep, restful sleep. About two weeks in, I was doing the most boring, annoying thing: standing in a long line at TimeWarner to return a cable box and it struck me how GOOD I felt. How CLEAR. And I thought…this is how people who get enough sleep feel All The Time. Crystal Clear.

But the joy was short-lived as when I asked for a refill for the 3rd month he told me he couldn’t prescribe anymore unless I went to a sleep clinic for testing (people always want to put you in the sleep apnea box) and I declined. I knew the reason for the insomnia, it was an emotional/mental/anxiety issue as the result of a very specific event. And even though time had passed I think my sleep muscle memory (if that makes sense) was still strongly adhering to the habit it had formed in the beginning.

I spent the next FIVE YEARS trying to find a solution on my own – I tried many over the counter sleeping aids, natural and man-made, different bedtime routines and techniques, etc. Nada. My body (mind?) is highly resistant to…everything? Ha. Anyway, eventually I happened upon a generic allergy reliever from CVS – the DROWSY kind, containing diphenhydramine (the ingredient in Benadryl that knocks you out), and it worked like a charm. I set my phone alarm for 6pm to remind myself to take it…so by 9-10pm I could lay down, close my eyes, and fall asleep. Sometimes I would forget and it was only when I was still at the computer at 11, 12, 1, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed that I’d realize I was still AWAKE cuz I’d never taken the pill to put me to SLEEP.

So, 10 years later and I have a new cure for insomnia. Kdramas and tiktok. Ha ha. I’m not trying to fall asleep. I’m trying to stay awake to watch more and more (#isthisaproblem) and by the time I close my eyes at 3, 4, 5am I zonk out immediately into a deep deep sleep. And then the alarm goes off at 6. But even though it was only a short time, it was a deep, uninterrupted sleep and that seems, for me anyway, much more useful than 6 hours of broken sleep.

And that is my very exciting sleep story. Ha. I know I can’t sustain this current situation for too long but. Ha.

TUESDAY

My body took over and knocked my bad self out around midnight last night, earbuds in, movie on…but that’s okay. I got six straight hours of sleep-rest so that’s a good thing.

Tried to continue in that positive direction and actually showered and dressed. Went out for deli breakfast and filled my gas tank.

Look at me with the adulting.

Came home and Got To Work. Anytime I have as big a backlog of pictures to edit as I do right now I just sort of shut-down. Too much adulting causes paralysis.

How have I gotten this far in life without being homeless or dead? Maybe I have a Life Angel after all. She’s not GREAT, I mean, I’m not living in a mansion in Beverly Hills or anything, but I’m not homeless or dead. It’s a low bar, but at least I’m on top of it.

Bright Spot of the Day:

Katie texted me this: kuchisabishii – a Japanese term for “when you’re not hungry, but you eat because your mouth is lonely.” A) I think most of us are familiar with this situation, and B) I have a longtime fondness for Asian terms that are not directly translatable into English but that are almost poetic in their meanings.

The co-worker whose pretty Christmas Oreos I shared with y’all last week – we went through a phase where we sent one another a haiku every day. This was way back…I’m going to say 2008-ish…and we would haiku one message every day. Just because they’re pretty. Like, “can I have some copy paper” could become:

I can write no more.

If only you would help me

I could do my work.

I had less work then  😉  And I think in 2021 we should revise the supply requisition forms to be in haiku format. Let’s make 2021 a gentler year, shall we?

WEDNESDAY

Time off is near done.

What shall I do today then?

Live all the life.

There’s my haiku motivation for the day 🙂

THURSDAY

Last sunset of 2020

It is the last day. 

Tomorrow, time starts again.

So enjoy it now. 

New Year’s Eve. Slept til almost noon. Ha. Gotta get my sleep together before work starts again next week.

Did blog work, watched things, went for a little drive at dusk. A quiet day.

Yay for quiet days.

FRIDAY

Twenty Twenty One

I embrace you heartily.

Please don’t let me down.

New Year’s Day. Think I could write a haiku every day for a year? You know I love a challenge. I’ll probably forget. Didn’t I just say I wasn’t going to add more things to my plate that already spilleth over? But a haiku is quick. I wish I could make a…picture haiku. Hmm. Oh boy. Here she goes. I’m lucky now to get ONE picture a day of life. What am I even talking about? I need food. And probably more sleep.

SATURDAY

Uhm, uhh…lazy day. My big adventure of the day was finding a dumpster where I could throw my fridge trash (I’m looking at you leftover Christmas sushi) (#refrigeratorscienceexperiments).

I’m living the life.

I was, however, rewarded for my trash outing by getting to see this…

SUNDAY

Sorta the same as yesterday except I went to the market for more food to let go bad in the fridge cuz I buy it with the best of intentions but then never feel like preparing it.

It’s the last day of vacation which has me sorta…whoa.

what i’m reading

This isn’t exactly “reading,” it’s more “looking at the pictures,” but…the pictures are so captivating that I can’t stop. It’s a magazine called Styling I found on issuu.com and it’s just…all beautiful things: flowers, gardens, fabrics, collections, furniture, jewelry, all the pretty things. If you ever just need a moment or two away from reality…

Also…I’m getting frustrated about books I keep seeing referenced on kdramas and I’m like I MUST READ THAT but then can only find it in Korean 🙁  I think I’m a little shocked by the fact that there is actually something I can’t find on the internet! I didn’t realize that was even a thing!

And even in my current KFOG I do not think buying something in Korean and translating it into English is…happening.

what i’m watching

On Your Wedding Day (Amazon Prime). A movie, not a 16-episode series. Charming, delightful, sweet, sad. All my favorite things. Two Thumbs Up.

and OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD this series! What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim?

This is one of these that I have heard people raving about for the past four months but I just thought it wasn’t for me. It’s a romantic “comedy;” I find those often err on the side of slapstick/silly/ridiculous and not in a good way so I kept putting it off. I don’t know what made me finally go OH ALRIGHT but I am ENTRANCED! It is so charmingly entertaining, I laugh-cried through the first four episodes last night. It is so delightful I can hardly stand it! I’m not halfway into it, but I can see what The Big Conflict is going to be and I’m already torn up over it. Ha.

What I’m Listening to

This instrumental version of the main song from a new movie called Wish You: Your Melody From My Heart- two musicians fall in love, challenges befall them (shocker), yadda yadda yadda. A nice enough little movie. But this song. Better than the movie (sorry, sweet little movie).  Anyway, take a listen if you just want some nice music.

Okay, Welcome to 2021. How is it for you so far?