My Existential Style Crisis
This is gonna be a long one. Grab a change of clothes and your toothbrush, you’re gonna hafta stay over.
Like so many, I have gone through numerous iterations of “style” over the course of my lifetime:
- Teenage Wanna-be Preppy
- Horsey
- I Lost a Bunch of Weight so I’ll Wear All the Random Things I Can Get in Size 1
- I’m a Grown-up. No, I’m Really Not
- Sloppy Maternity
- Sloppier Stay-at-Home Mom “If It’s Stretchy and Cheap, I’ll Wear It”
- I Lost a Bunch of Weight Again Office Casual Light
- Fat Again Office Casual Light
- Five Minutes of Boho
- Gwynnie Bee “Trying All The Things”
- Whatever Will Fit Me as I Size Out of the Largest Readily Available Size
- AND THEN….
…two things happened last year…
- My body got a little smaller so I had a wider variety of options of clothing to choose from
- TikTok
If you’ve never been really fat, you don’t understand how limited the options are for clothing. “But there’s that store in the mall that carries plus-size clothing!” Yes. There are 83 women’s clothing stores (actual case study) in the mall. Six have a small (I repeat: small) plus-size section.
When I go to Nordstrom.com (one of the largest online clothing retailers) and search Women’s Sweaters, there are 3,812 results. When I search Plus Size Woman’s Sweaters there are 304 results. That’s less than 8%.
As an aside, 67% of American women wear plus-size clothing (size 14 and above). You do the math. It doesn’t make sense. And yet…
And things are not even equal in the plus-size category itself. The smaller sizes (14-16, 18-20) have more options (and quantity) than 22-24…and once you hit 26-28 and above? You’re on your own sister, cuz ain’t NOBODY helping you!
Yes, it has gotten better. When I was first fat in the 80s, my options were pretty much Avenue, Lane Bryant, and Macy*s.
My point of all this is that when your sizing is limited, your style is limited. If in your heart of hearts you want to dress in Early American Ballerina Cowgirl, but the 17 things available in your size are all Middle-Aged Abstract-Print Stretchy-Pant Mom, well…you’re destined to a life of Sad Girl Style.
So. My clothing options have opened up a bit. Which is lovely (but also disappointing, like when the cute boy who ignored you when you were fat, says good morning to you every day now that you’re thin) and allows me more style freedom.
Phew, that was a long-winded explanation of #1. Onto #2.
TikTok, for those of you who haven’t been paying attention, has CHANGED. MY LIFE. I won’t even go into all that here (this post is already long and I haven’t even gotten to the crisis part yet!), I’ll save that for another post, another day. It showed me, DIFFERENT PEOPLE, LIVING DIFFERENT LIVES AND DRESSING IN DIFFERENT WAYS. One thing that really caught my attention…and my heart…was…Young Men’s Clothing. Let’s say 16-30-year-olds. Fifty-year-old men might have caught my eye, too, but they’re just not there. It’s an overwhelmingly young-person’s platform. So. And this isn’t about The BOYS (and yes, I’m calling anyone in the 16-30-year-old age group “boys”), it’s about How They Dress.
There’s sort of two vibes that have drawn me in –
- A sort of 90’s slightly grunge, soft boi look…with oversized tees and unbuttoned flannels or shirt jackets, sneakers, boyfriend cardigans in “off” colors
- Preppier, more classic, neat style, with a modern twist (I’m looking at you, Park Jimin, in your fuchsia crewneck and black slacks with loafers)
- Yes, I have a third item on my list of two things…it’s my blog I can do what I want 🙂 But, a hybrid of both.
And I’ve been living my style dream for the past 6ish months. I feel like I FINALLY have a look I LIKE, that FEELS like me (I’ve never been comfortable as a girly girl), that is “my life” appropriate (it can go to work or to outings in the city), and that is available in my size and price range (more or less). SO MUCH WIN. It’s felt great. Really. Maybe I think about this more than the average bear (remember, single person with no life – my brain has a LOT of free time), but that’s okay. I’m happy with it.
HOWEVER (same rules apply to “however” as to “but,” as in…there’s always one). I see storm clouds on the horizon. Spring is coming. Warm weather. SUMMER (dear god no). And herein lies the EXISTENTIAL STYLE CRISIS portion of this epic (in length, maybe not so much in content) blog post.
But now I look at my summer clothes. All my dresses. In summer I wear All The Dresses. We know that. Flowy frilly (relatively speaking) floral blouses. And I LIKE them. I don’t DISLIKE them.
But (see?). They don’t feel like the me I have discovered feels most like me (there’s a sentence for ya).
The thought of putting THIS on…is breaking my brain.
Oh the mental discomfort. I can’t. I can’t even. I refuse to even.
How.
What?
The NIGHTGOWN DRESSES?? What? How? Me? What?
I don’t know if I can do it.
Half my closet feels like me. And the other half feels like WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CLOSET.
So I’m trying to figure out two things:
- What and how I can adapt (excuse me, this is 2021, “PIVOT”) my current summer Not Me items into ME items
- What new things I should be considering
- (sue me) What’s to become of The Junarose Dress?
I feel like my whole current look is very well-suited to cold weather. Crew necks over button-downs, v-necks over tee shirts, turtlenecks under oversized flannel shirts: All The Layering. Jeans Jeans and More Jeans.
I’m not exactly sure how to translate that type of look into a summer wardrobe.
Relaxed-fit trousers? Oversized tee shirts? I have kind of a vague notion of man-tailored button-down shirts in tiny florals…like Liberty prints or…paisley…or something. But that “notion” is more in my mind than on any online retail site I see. As usual. Frustratingly.
I can hear at least one of you out there (and you know who you are) thinking SO MAKE YOUR OWN. That’s a lovely thought. But I’ve tried going down that path before and it ends abruptly.
Anyway, I see (again, in my mind) simple band color linen blouses and tunics. WHY IS A SIMPLE BAND COLLAR SUCH A HARD THING TO FIND? In my size. And a nice fabric. That’s not $300. Why.
WHY?!?!?
Maybe I just need to move to a year-round cold climate. That seems easier.
In heaven, every clothing item is available in every size.
Anyway, I’ve blabbed on long enough. I’ll keep looking for NEW ME: Summer Edition items.
Pack your things, you’re going home.
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Melissa
I loved this post so much! It is tough finding your style within the plus size world even today with so many more options available. It took me a good two years worth of expensive closet flops to finally find myself when I get dressed. That said, I look forward to your next chapter and I’m grateful you’re willing to share the journey. Stay awesome and keep doing you!
Sleepovers were the best!! Clothes, nails and hair discussions. 😁
bettyewp
What a wonderful thing to read first thing in the morning, Melissa! Thank you for this 🙂
Also, braiding one another’s hair 🙂
Chris Jargowsky
Looking forward to how you transition your summer wardrobe to your new chapter of finally being comfortable with your wardrobe. You really do inspire me on multiple levels, thank you.
bettyewp
Thanks, Chrissy! xoxo
Michelle
Love the names for your looks in your style progression – seeing that in pictures would be a fun post! (I can totally relate to the “I’m an adult – no I’m not”. My inability to dress like a ‘grownup’ seriously limited my job prospects for years. I think my family thought I’d end up waiting tables forever). Isn’t it weird how you can just wear something constantly for a long time and then one day you just sort of turn on it?
It’s a great thing when you finally find what feels like you! Looking forward to seeing how you style your new look for spring and summer.
Karen
Transitions are never easy. I’m thinking about metamorphosis. The little wormy guy breaking his cocoon to emerge as a stunning butterfly. You’ve already done so much work, Bettye. I see you’re tired of it and wonder where it’s going and when it’ll end. Trust me, it will. I don’t know what month of the year butterflies materialize, but you are on the verge of busting out. Even if you don’t feel the verging. Summer will be great, whatever you choose to wear. I have every confidence.
xo karen
bettyewp
I love this butterfly metaphor, Karen! I think I’ve kind of felt like this for the past few years…and in the past year, especially. Not exactly sure what to attribute it to: aging, welbutrin, who knows. And while I think about how different my life might have been if I’d felt this way 30 years ago, I’m grateful it at least happened NOW. I’m sure many times it NEVER happens.
And as far as the clothing/style issue, honestly this time of year always hits me this way. It’s just a grey cold dead time of year (well, here in NY) and I think that depletes my “style energy” (just making up terms right and left).
Here’s to warmer days and more sizing options, ha ha!
julia
I’ve been meaning to get back here to read this because I am feeling the same way. Not from TikTok though, but from being really close to nature this last year. I want natural colors and patterns and material. I want comfortable, non-constricting clothing. I don’t want to wear any heel (or any bra, but I’m not sure the world is ready for that) and I want an easy hairstyle. I look at my closet and think “those outfits would take so much work” . I haven’t bought anything yet, but I’m starting to look and I just want to spend my time thinking about something else than my clothes for right now.
bettyewp
Yeah. All that. Except the not thinking about clothes part. I know it seems trivial in THIS WORLD right now, but I kinda feel like a) the way I present myself to the world is important – and my body and clothes are the first things anyone sees, and 2) clothing is something *I* can control, at a time when so much feels BEYOND my control, know what I mean??
I’m currently buying and returning with the help of the stimulus check…as usual, MOST things get returned, so it’s a long, frustrating process.
How’s the van coming? Did you see that TikTok I sent you?