A Defining Moment

I have been procrastinating for two weeks about writing this blog post…because I am so uncomfortable with the way I look in these pictures. I am *not* saying that to get a bunch of people saying, “no, you look great, blah blah blah,” in fact, I’d appreciate if you’d refrain from saying anything like that. It’s not about how *others* feel about how I look…it’s about how *I* feel about how I look!

I’d looked so forward to this dress from Gwynnie Bee – I’d had the same style in a different print a few months back (here) and I felt very comfortable in it. It was not so tight. But when I put this on, UGH. I don’t like the way I look in it At All.

I’ve been wanting to talk about body positivity for awhile now. There’s so much buzz about it these days, and more recently some articles about DIETING and body positivity and how the two are mutually exclusive. I disagree. I think being body positive is a matter of feeling that your body – weight, color, size, shape, height – does not define YOU. It doesn’t define ANYONE.It doesn’t…QUANTIFY them as “good, bad, healthy, unhealthy,” whatever. I can accept that I’m fat and *also* accept that I am a good, valuable, (insert other positive terms here) person. Being fat doesn’t make me LESS or WORSE than someone who is not.

I do NOT feel that it means I can not try to change. I *can* diet and exercise WHILE being body positive (I CAN!!!).

Between seeing these pictures of me in this dress…and then standing on a friend’s scale a few weeks ago (mine broke LAST summer so I’ve been clueless about any weight fluctuation, and since I lean towards looser fitting items anyway, I wasn’t aware of any “ooh, this is getting a big tight” issues), I realize I’ve gained quite a bit of weight since last (2015) summer…and it’s not about the numbers on the scale, it’s about how I FEEL. And I am feeling UNCOMFORTABLE. Physically uncomfortable. Out of breath with the slightest exertion. Challenged to walk up a flight of stairs or even stand up from a sitting position. My hips hurt immediately when I start walking…and there’s a history of bad hips in my family, I feel I’ve been lucky in not having any trouble before now. I have a painful heel issue. Also, I’m pretty much sized up out of my long-standing size and am looking for clothing now in a 4x, and that is SO much harder. Most plus-size brands go up to a 3x. Few go beyond.

These are all things that are making me want to Lose Some Weight. Not because of the way I LOOK. But because of the way I FEEL. Because of they way it’s hindering my comfort and my life. I am basing decisions on how uncomfortable I am at this weight. There are things I am Not Doing. Activities I’m avoiding. Invitations I’m declining. Jobs I’m declining. Because it’s Too Hard to Go Out, Walk Around, Sit for Long Periods Away from Home, etc.

I am still Body Positive. But I am going to do what I need to do to make my body work better for me and my life.

I’m easing into eating better, ha. Less fast food, more home-prepared food. And I’ve started walking 3-4 times a week. I’m not in a rush…but I want to change the upward trend and I think I’m doing that. I’m not even talking about losing half my body weight (which I easily could and STILL be “plump”). This first stage is just getting me back to where I was last summer, when I was a solid 3x. Then I’ll re-assess.

And the number? On the scale? The highest it’s EVER been. Just a few pounds away from the big three-oh. oh. OH!

So, while I didn’t LIKE myself in the dress…I can still say, “Thanks a lot, dress!” for creating a defining moment.

What I’m Wearing:

• Effie’s Heart “Nina” dress in Brushstroke print, 3x via GwynnieBee
• Aqua cardigan, Kohls (old), similar here and here
• Plunder feather and pearl beaded bracelet 
• Christian Siriano black flats from Payless