It’s Not All Good

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So. I have to talk about The Cancer today. Through most of this time I think I’ve been pretty good at keeping my Game Face on. I am not by nature a perky, positive person. I consider myself more of a realist and prefer to face *all* things, good and bad, and not pretend bad things don’t exist. But I *have* really tried to find the good in the situation…to find some beauty along the way…small joys, blah blah blah.

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But yesterday I hit a brick wall. With all the rashes and diarrhea and queasiness and infections and sores and exhaustion and other joys that I have mostly kept to myself…the thing that I’m having the hardest time with is…losing my hair. I knew it was going to happen. I knew the particular chemo drugs I’m getting have that as a side effect. But I still hoped I would somehow escape it.

Nope.

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You know how a little hair always comes out in the shower? That’s normal. But yesterday…it just wouldn’t stop coming out. Big clumps and handfuls. And tears. Then when I tried brushing it out…it wouldn’t stop coming out. My brush was full of hair, my hands were full of hair…if I touched hair, it was coming out. I finally just wrangled it all into a messy bun and called it a day.

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I don’t know if it’s really noticeable yet because pulling hair back into a bun is sort of like a glorified combover (ha ha) but I’m sure in bright light it’s visible. And is only going to get worse.

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I’m afraid to take a shower this morning because so much more is going to come out. I’ll just wash my bangs in the sink. And hope for the best.

So I’m seriously stressing out about what I’m going to put on my head. I KNOW there are 12,000,000 options…but I don’t really see anything that looks like ME to me. I don’t feel sick, I don’t want to LOOK sick. I don’t want to look like someone ELSE. I’m not a hat person EVER – not in the winter to keep warm and not in the summer to shade my face…so this concept of having to put something on my head in the morning and leave it on All Day Long – at work, shopping, etc, just feels so awkward and foreign to me and I DON’T LIKE IT. I DON’T WANNA. WHAAAA.

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There. This is my time I’m allowed to be mad and sad and bitchy and complainy. I’M ALLOWED. I don’t want anyone trying to cheer me up, cuz you CAN’T. No one’s words can change the way I’m feeling. I’m terrified and angry. And I’m just gonna roll around in that for awhile.

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So, now that I’ve alienated half of you (ha ha), I can proceed with my outfit. I LOVE this dress. It’s by Rachel Roy via Gwynnie Bee. It’s dark dark grey and feels like velvety slinky silk. And it has this cool drapey effect on the front that hides EVERYTHING. It’s light and flowy. It’s EASY. Which is exactly what I needed yesterday.

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And we found the perfect location to shoot – this abandoned movie theater. Crumbly and littered…and yet even it had a little spot of wild flowers still growing. Even when I only WANT to focus on the ugly, I find some beauty. Damn it! Ha.

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19 thoughts on “It’s Not All Good

  1. What Cancer Cannot do……’it is SO limited – it cannot silence courage….” And so many other things. I’m not trying to give you a pep talk! You’re one of the bravest people I know, and you are surely not alone about losing your hair.

    I didn’t want to deal with mine falling out, so I had my head shaved. Mostly wore scarves – there are so many interesting ways to tie/wear them now. Went without anything at home, but wasn’t quite brave enough to go out bald.

    I feel for you – for all the crap chemo causes. You’re my hero and in my prayers constantly!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Iris. I know I’ll come up with something, or adjust, or whatever. I think shaving will look like the best option in a couple more shampoos (that’s when the most comes out). My sister ordered me a couple cute hats and I have a few bandanas on their way to me…hopefully these things will get me started…and like my boss said to me “it will just become your new normal.”

      Thanks for the prayers.
      xo Bettye

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  2. Love the dress. If you don’t like hats don’t wear one. Go bald. I am happy you are here. Bitch all you want. Totally allowed. Love you

    Liked by 1 person

  3. F it. It’s hair. It’ll F’n grow back, stronger than before. Just like you – stronger than before. Nonetheless, your real face is always welcome – smiling, frowning, crying, laughing, whatever.

    BTW, pretty dress.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s nice to read a real reaction. Once you’ve been through enough BS, it’s tough to hear all of the people say “Just be positive”. They mean well, but it doesn’t mean I won’t want to smack the next person who says that or “it’s just hair. It’ll grow back”. Losing my hair was and remains the most traumatic part of my cancer diagnosis even more than losing my uterus at 37. I am 2 months post chemo and have some fuzzy stuff on my head now. I hate hats too, but have 2 ballcaps to wear when going out. I also have a covering that was passed on to me from a fellow survivor. I couldn’t wear my wig – it wasn’t me.
    Thank you for an honest reaction to some of the brutal things we go through with this disease. It’s nice to know you’re not alone. Best of luck in your battle.

    PS – The dress is awesome. As are the wildflowers!

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  5. I’ve been following your blog via Bloglovin, but this is my first comment… Stupid cancer. I’m so sorry you’re struggling. I watched a video the other day about henna crowns for cancer patients. As someone who loves art and finding beauty, this might be up your alley. Just Google “henna crowns” to see. I think they’re beautiful. Sending love and we’ll wishes to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you decided to comment, Mariah! Yeah, stupid cancer. If I could see it, I’d kick it in the shin. I * have* seen those henna crowns, they’re lovely!

      Don’t be a stranger!

      Bettye

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