MONDAY

I am feeling helpless and sad. The horrifying news out of Afghanistan today, the scenes from the airport, all unimaginable. And yet. It is happening. I can’t even conceive of my home being taken over by enemies – I know this is more complex than that, but. And when you hear such news, what do you DO with it? I feel like 2020-2021 has been The Year of Feeling Helpless.

So what did I do? Nothing. Meaning, I just gave myself a little space. I went to the sofa with my book…and read…and napped. Until it got too dark to read. But I felt like I’d had a vacation.

This is why I needed a break.

TUESDAY

Work was a lot today. So when I was released at the end of the day, I put the windows down and my current song obsession on (see “what I’m listening to” below) and just let myself feel a little jubilant and free.

WEDNESDAY

Dinner with a friend after work. Outdoors. Around people and activity. Sat out on the street for a long time. It was lovely.

THURSDAY

Left work at noon to go into the city for what is hopefully the last kidney-related scan. This is SUCH a long story, I don’t think I even have it in me to tell the whole thing.

I guess the highlights (which are more like lowlights) were:

I failed the scan. I feel like such a loser. I’m usually…I can usually power through whatever the sh*tty thing is I’m supposed to do. This was a renal lasix scan, which means Drink All The Water then about an hour later get a Lasix iv (which makes you have to pee), then DON’T pee while lying under the scan camera thingie for 45 minutes. I tried. I really really tried, but I just couldn’t do it. I had to pee SO BAD. I was breaking out in a cold sweat, my legs were trembling So Hard…I finally had to flag them down in the little booth and she was like, “can you just hang on for 8 more minutes,” which sounded to me as likely as being able to fly to the moon. NO, NO I CANNOT HANG ON FOR EIGHT MORE MINUTES GET ME OUTTA THIS THING. They even have you change into like adult diapers beforehand so if you really have to go you just…go. But I couldn’t.

Side story (and yes, apparently I will tell anybody anything): I was a late age bed wetter. TMI? Hey, it is what it is. And my mother was like…emotionally cruel about it. Not just yelling and punishing me…but hanging the peed on sheets out the window on the front of the house for anyone to see. Cuz, you know, a 9+-year-old does that on purpose. Never occurred to her to take me to the doctor and see if there was a physical reason or even an emotional one. No. Just yelled, punished, and embarrased.

SPOILER ALERT: those techniques do not work.

So, from that, I think I have a PARTICULARLY strong I CAN HOLD IT reflex. So when she was like, “just go in the diaper,” or anytime I come out of anesthesia following some procedure and they say
“we’ll put you on a bedpan if you need to urinate,” I’m always like NO I NEED TO GET TO THE BATHROOM. “You can’t walk yet,” they say. WATCH ME, I say.

So I made them stop the scan early because my body was going to EXPLODE.

I don’t even know yet if they got enough “footage.” I’m so afraid they’re going to say we have to do it over.

THEN…I had a 45-mile drive ahead of me after that and had to wee wee wee all the way home. Literally. I was leaving the hospital right at the height of rush hour. It is under a mile from the hospital to the 59th St Bridge, which is what gets me back onto Long Island. It took an HOUR. By then I was in PAIN again from having to pee so badly. I knew I could NOT get onto the Long Island Expressway (LIE) cuz then there’s NOWHERE to stop, there’s not even like a shoulder to pull over onto. So I knew I had to find SOMEWHERE before I got onto the LIE. I stopped at a Dunkin Donuts and a creepy looking little diner and neither would let me use the bathroom.

The area I was in is a very warehousey area…and on the weekends is usually pretty desolate. I thought there’s gotta be a place to just pull over and…BUT at 6pm on a weekday, NOT DESOLATE AT ALL. I drove up and down all the streets just looking for one with NO PEOPLE. Meanwhile, I’m back in cold sweat, chills, rubber legs mode, yelling and cursing at red lights and slow drivers. NOT my usual MO. At ALL.

Finally, I Just Could Not Stand It Anymore…and I pulled over behind a tall van, checked to see that at least the people walking were headed the other direction…positioned myself between my car and the van and…well, you get the picture. And I had to pee a LOT. This was no quick deal. Dress (Junarose) flapping in the wind…splashing my sneakers….it was pretty mortifying. But my only option was to just…pee right in my seat in the car. But…fabric seats…and Pee is Forever…I think I made the right choice but MAN.

Not my finest moment.

And after that I still had to get home! I know there’s an Arby’s along the expressway somewhere in Queens, so…GPS said it was 15 miles. It took over an hour to get there…and I was back to misery level again by the time I got there. I peed, ate a roast beef sandwich (NO DRINK), then waited til I had to pee again, used the Godsend Bathroom one more time, and tried to head home. Made it 25 miles to a McDonalds bathroom…and from there just had another 10 miles to get home. Which I made.

I got home just before 9pm from a 3:30 scan.

Harrowing. The day was HARROWING.

And emotional. It was one of those days where I felt very much like I DON’T HAVE A PERSON. Between Arby’s and McDonalds I tried calling Katie just to hear the voice of someone who loves me cuz I needed that right then…but she was still working and couldn’t talk. So then I was all I DON’T HAVE ANYONE, NO ONE LOVES ME, yeah, I was in deep.

Harrowing.

FRIDAY

I’m gone for half a day and this is what I come back to.

Today I am grateful for easy access to indoor plumbing. AND…I have an excruciating earache. WHAT IS GOING ON?!? Hey Universe, what did I ever do to you?!?

I got home from work and went right to the sofa with my book. It was quiet and dark. Usually, that’s not my jam, but today it was exactly what I needed.

SATURDAY

I just sort of flah-flahed around today. Deli breakfast, reading on the sofa, napping, cleaned up a messy part of the bedroom.

Does anyone want to sell clothes for me? I can’t believe I did this like full time for so many years and now I can’t get myself to list just a few things! But every time is like “where am I taking pictures?” cuz there’s no good place to take pictures, “why isn’t Katie here when I need her to measure things for me?” and where are the packing materials (some are over here…and some are over THERE and I have NO idea where the tape gun is anymore), and the “packing” table is covered with STUFF (cuz horizontal surface). It’s just one mild irritation after another. I am not inspired to list things…but I also cannot bring myself to just drop off a bag of money at the donation center.

IT’S A CONUNDRUM.

But wouldn’t it be NICE to get rid of all the excess clothes that are hanging and piled up all over the place?? Gosh yes, that would be SO NICE.

The ice pick continues to stab me in the ear. Less than yesterday, but still.

ice pick in my ear
not a pleasant way to live
oh such is this life

SUNDAY

Well, we are not getting the hurricane we were promised. It’s just dark and raining lightly. I know the city had some bad flooding but I’m up so high that that’s not an issue. I’d drive to Northport to look at the water, but my car is blocked in by the landlady’s as she wanted the cars in the spot with no trees immediately overhead.

I spent the day mostly on the sofa, reading, napping, watching a movie called Night Flight. Tragic, moving, touching. Rough to watch…but very well done.

WHAT I’M READING

Daughters of the Dragon by William Andrews. This is a fictional story based on actual events. It follows the life of a young Korean girl (and hundreds of thousands of others) who is taken by the Japanese Army during WWII and forced to be a sex slave to Japanese soldiers. These women (girls!!!) are known now as “Comfort Women” (a euphemism for “prostitutes”), and have never gotten a suitable apology or retribution from the Japanese government. They (the Japanese) barely admit this even happened. Jae-hee (the story’s main character) is “protected” by a family heirloom, but…her definition of “protected” and mine are quite different. Still, the comb plays an integral part in the story and helps her keep moving forward to a better life.

The first part is very disturbing, but the story is told well. To say I “enjoyed” it is not quite right, but it was a compelling read about a subject that has been kept (relatively speaking) a secret.

I’d like to pass the book along to someone who is interested in hearing the story of The Comfort Women. If this is something you would read and then pass along to someone else, comment, “I would like to hear the story of the Korean Comfort Women,” by 7am Tuesday, Aug 24. I’ll put the names in a random winner generator thingie and send the winner the book.

WHAT I’M WATCHING

Okay, I have been OBSESSED with this TikTok for two weeks…it’s 42 seconds long but I think it’s a masterpiece 🙂  Back story: it shows the start of BTS when they were just young boys (13-18) sharing one cramped bedroom in the small company dorm, working so hard and always exhausted…thinking they may never really amount to anything….and then SCENE to them filling the largest stadiums around the world and being loved by millions and millions of people. In 40 seconds she has shared their whole story. THIS is good story-telling.

I think the way this creator edited this video was brilliant. The fitting of the music to build in the right spot, go silent at the right spot, then to come to a crashing crescendo at the right spot. It’s so good. It’s just so good.

@just_call_me_a_btsarmy

WHAT I’M LISTENING TO

And the epilogue to What I’m Watching is…I’m in LOVE with the song in the TikTok (above). It’s called 0X1=LOVESONG (I Know I Love You). It’s by TXT (Tomorrow x Together), another k-pop band under the same management company as BTS. Don’t worry, I’m not falling down another k-pop band rabbit hole. I can’t. I have neither the time nor the energy. Nor the heart.

I Will Not Learn Their Names.

I Will Not Learn Their Names.

I Will Not Learn Their Names.

But my love for the music of BTS has spread to many artists and types of Korean music: kpop, ballads (ohmygod the ballads), r&b, rap, etc.

To me, this song is the sound of new love…that moment of Pure Jubilation and Joy the moment you both realize you love each other. This song sounds like that to me.

I KNOW IT’S REAL, I CAN FEEL IT

Here’s the song in Spotify

And here’s the music video, which is the extended version of the song (which is where she got the music for the TikTok).

Hopefully, this was the last “weird” week and I can have a little bit of smooth sailing now, enjoying some summer, relaxing. Ahh. Fingers crossed.