I look at these pictures taken 3 weeks ago and it seems like a lifetime ago. All I see when I look at them is TIRED. A TIRED woman. And I *was* tired. I’d been tired for some time, but always attributed it to my weight or my age or just generally being out of shape. And I pushed through…because that’s what you do. It’s what we all do. We just keep going, pushing ourselves, til we can’t go no mo.
It was the day after this shoot that I ended up in the Emergency Room and the next day admitted to the hospital. For five days. And then another 10 days the very next week. The cancer diagnosis really surprised me. “I’m just tired.” Now I’m tired from the surgery – a hysterectomy 6 days ago. Still waiting on the pathology from the surgery but I’m counting on it being positive. In the meantime I’m recovering. I’m back at home, my daughter is here helping me. Life doesn’t feel normal again yet, but it will.
My body doesn’t feel normal yet, either. When I look down, my stomach seems like it shifted lower. Like I used to feel pregnant w a basketball right under my boobs…and now the basketball has dropped. So the biggest part of my stomach is in a new place. And that feels weird. I didn’t expect that. I have to get used to my body again.
I’ve started walking. BABY baby steps. 5 minutes out then five minutes back. That’s all I can do just yet. But I’ll feel stronger as I heal from the surgery and eventually I’ll be able to walk 10 minutes out and back. And maybe my body will change a little more. Because I’m tired of my body making me feel tired. This isn’t me hating on my body. This is me LOVING on me and my body and wanting both of us to FEEL BETTER. We deserve that, my body and I.
This week was work work work cough cough cough. I’m just feeling a lot of negative input from around my life and the people close to me. A lot of illness, sadness, loss. I really need to find a little bright spot in the week ahead.
This was the night I said goodbye to my daughter…as she is returning to Florida to live. Caleb and I went over to see her one last time. I know she’ll be back soon to visit…but it is just not the same.
If you follow me on Instagram you’ll have seen this – a Throwback Thursday to my Very First Outfit of the Day post back in September 2015.
Getting ready for a photo shoot that didn’t happen.
Most every night this week I came straight home from work and got on the sofa with a book. I didn’t even feel like being on the computer. And I ALWAYS feel like being on the computer. So I was very happy when a friend was able to go into Brooklyn with me yesterday to see the Marilyn Minter “Dirty Pretty” exhibit at Brooklyn Museum. Very interesting.
We sat and watched this film several times through, it was mesmerizing, this is just about 30 seconds of it. It was the size of the wall, so maybe…14′ high by like 20′ across.
And this one also…
We looked at some other exhibits but as soon as we realized it was snowing we hightailed it out because driving in snow is one of my least favorite things to do! This was as soon as we left the museum…but it took over 2 hours to get home and by that time the roads were not good 😦
And now I’m on day two of a three day weekend and then it’s back to work…and some sad things. So…I’ve got my eyes open for a “nice” opportunity because I could really use that this week.
I ADORE this dress. I love me a swing dress. And I Love STRIPES. The horizontal stripes don’t make me look fat. *I* make me look fat!
Stupid fat rules.
Another convo I just had in an online forum was about not buying button-down items that don’t button-up! I disagree. I have button-down items that I like just as layering pieces – that show the item underneath, or even a lightweight jacket like this one. Buttoning is just not really in my styling vocabulary, it doesn’t work for my body as-is and I’m okay with that.
I guess those are all the “rules” that I’m breaking in this outfit…I’m sure I’ll break tomorrow. And that’s okay!